Gender Relations

the princess and the frog

Posted on January 2, 2011. Filed under: Gender Relations |

At the risk of sounding somewhat superficial, I can’t help but wonder what’s at work whenever I see a “mismatched” couple. She’s cute like a button and he’s as ugly as sin or vice-versa. You readers probably ask the same question I do, “how did he get that girl?”.

What is ugly/attractive? Attractive is an adjective describing any object or concept which one finds appealing. Ugly is an adjective describing any object or concept which one finds appalling. Attractive/Ugly is not relative, it’s an absolute. Something is either attractive or not. Interestingly though, the things or people that are considered attractive/ugly vary across cultures and sub-cultures.

Back to the origin of this blog. I have a friend who recently married her boyfriend of 11 years. She’s gorgeous and he is quite the opposite (damn, I sound jealous and petty).  I bluntly asked her  one day about why she chose to date this gentleman. I also had a chat with a few female friends about dating an “ugly” man.

Most Jamaican women are of the view 99% of  men are cheaters and attractive men cheat way more than ugly men.

For the girl with no boyfriend and is sick of all the head games played by attractive men,  all she wants is an honest, trustworthy, fun man who can bring stability into her life. She’s a little less concerned with the package/wrapping and more concerned with the contents.

“Ugly man full a lyrics Garth”, that’s what a friend said to me. I laughed for days, but apparently the “ugly” man speaks confidently and says the right words to make her feel good about herself. It also helps when he’s capable of having an interesting and intelligent conversation. My married friend said her hubby is the funniest man she knows, he keeps her happy and smiling. He never gives her a reason to feel insecure or worry about some other woman.

Apparently women want a man who can romance them and make ’em  feel special; not only for their bodies, but also for their mind and soul (sounds kinda cliche). Another friend added that the ugly man must be awesome in bed. “If mi ago lay dung wid a ugly man, it haffi worth it”. I never asked my married friend about her hubby’s sexual prowess, but it appears she’s satisfied.

Money helps too! Women love stability in all areas of the relationship, but financial stability is probably#1 or at least in the top 3. It just so happens that my friend’s husband “financially comfortable”.

MORAL OF THE STORY

I guess in the end the old adage “never judge a book by its cover” is really true.  The frog may look ugly but the princess finds real beauty in him.

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Material World – material girl?

Posted on December 23, 2010. Filed under: Gender Relations |

Jamaican actress Andrea Wright aka DELCITA in the 2010 play “Ova mi dead body” said, “Love without money is like lemonade without sugar, it nah go sweet”.

We are living in a material world, where diamonds are still a girl’s best friend. The media seem to reinforce the “value” that it takes cash to care and if a man is broke he can’t get a girl. A woman can be impressed by a poor man and even end up in relationships with them, I’m one such example.

There are women who would never date a poor man, much less talk to him. The gold diggers everywhere, but if she didn’t want me because my pocket couldn’t fund her lifestyle, I don’t want her anyway.

I remember being raised to believe/think the man is supposed to take care of the woman (and family). The man generally goes to work and “brings home the bread”. Along with the idea of chivalry comes the assumption that man provides for woman. Even though women are independent today, the idea of man taking care of his wife/girlfriend financially is ever present.
Women are self-sufficient today no longer need to depend on men to “bring home the bread”. Women are just as powerful and financially capable as men, but that doesn’t mean that they’re willing to be their boyfriends’ providers while the men stay home.

I’ve come to realize women who are willing to “take a chance” with a poor man always consider the reason behind the man’s lack of funds. If he’s poor because of the circumstances he’s born into but he’s ambitious, women will take a chance. If he’s poor because he’s pursuing further studies or lost out on a failed business she’ll consider as well, but that element of ambition must always be present.

The ability to shower a woman with gifts is not necessarily what makes a wealthy man attractive, but rather, it’s the power that is associated with a man’s wealth. But since women and society have moved beyond the point of equating wealth with the qualities of “a good boyfriend,” there are other ways to win a woman over and prove your power.

Showing a woman how caring you are does not have to cost a fortune. Giving her the gift of time, attention, spontaneity, and caring has always worked for me. After all, the best things in life are free.
Be attentive to her needs. If she tells you she’s a vegetarian, learn to cook vegetarian or go to restaurants which have good vegetarian menus. Be spontaneous by planning a special day together, even if it’s just a walk in a park with some ice-cream.

Romance and spontaneity have more to do with atmosphere and less with the amount of the bill. You don’t need money to buy class and style. I’ve found ways to look ‘impressive’ without wearing the world’s popular/expensive brands.

I work hard to look presentable.  Being well groomed and staying in shape are 2 of the strongest tools a poor man can use to his advantage. You can look like a million bucks without spending the million.

In meeting women, I’ve found charming them with humor, wit and gentlemanly etiquette goes a far way. My bank account has always been slim but most ladies rarely pay it attention because there are other qualities which they appreciate.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been rejected before because of my state of being “too financially challenged” to meet her needs. Fortunately, that occurrence has been rare.

My advice to “poor men” or “financially challenged” men is … show women that you have a lot to offer — generosity, thoughtfulness, chivalry, spontaneity, being outgoing, romantic and fun to be with. As long as you’re still ambitious and driven, have confidence in spite of your circumstance. Focus on other parts of what you have to offer, she’ll see that digging you will leave her with something more precious than gold; that something is YOU.

 

 

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That poor cheatin’ bastard

Posted on December 19, 2010. Filed under: Gender Relations |

It’s a rare occurrence when a Jamaican man will cheat and admit to his friends that he  feels guilty. Recently, a good friend of mine was anxious to go have a drink with us boys. He volunteered to pick us all up or pay taxi fare and the drinks would have been his treat.

We all knew something was not right and soon it became apparent for as soon as we arrived at our little watering hole he immediately blurted out, and i quote, “mi cheat pon mi girl. mi luv har still, mi all want fi married to har, mi never mean fi do it. jeezas, she ago lef mi if mi tell her, but mi need fi tell har. unnu advise mi nuh”.

He was nervous, embarrassed, frustrated and cursing himself. He was next to tears. His face was like the face of guilt. I told him that there was nothing wrong with what he did and that many men have done the same thing. It’s what usually happens when a man dissatisfied with the relationship or an element of the relationship. It also happens when your will to to be failthful is trumped by your lust for other women & libido. Maybe cheating on his girlfriend would help him realize that they weren’t meant to be together. Don’t crucify me, I’ve got the purest intentions when I say this.

Based on other things he said, it was obvious he loved her and he genuinely thought it was a mistake. None of us tried to convince him otherwise. We were all supportive of him and we were glad he felt the way he did. Well, we remained supportive until he made the suicidal comment “mi haffi tell har, an beg forgiveness”.

Now, I don’t know how many women honestly want to hear their boyfriend/man/husband voluntarily confess to cheating. Well, I suppose they want to know for health reasons. For  some women too, I guess they want to  know where their man’s head is at (no pun intended). They wanna know why the man cheated so they can protect against  a repeat, whether in the same relationship or in their next relationship.

Anyhow, we now had to intervene and convince him otherwise. After-all, with this approach he was likely to lose his girlfriend. We could either let him make a foolish mistake and lose his girlfriend  or  help him make the rational decision — deny/lie.
We are of the opinion  that if he wanted to tell her the truth, he might as well break up instead.  Forgiveness was unlikely and proceeding smoothly was an absolute impossibility. If he was really an honest  man, why would he cheat in the first place? The best thing would be for him to keep his mouth shut and pretend nothing ever happened.


We tried to justify why he shouldn’t confess to having an affair.

It’s likely she’ll dump you. Trust is like an egg, once you break it, it will never be the same. It’s gonna take an extraordinary bit of work to fix it and even after fixing it will never been the same. Who wants a broken egg anyway?

She’s going to be paranoid. The degree of paranoia varies among women, but best believe she’s going to second guess your every move. In the extreme case she may want you to limit the “unsupervised” trips you make. Yes, she’ll whip out ‘ye old leash’.

She’ll forgive but won’t forget. Until she forgets, it’s likely that she’ll think you’re going to cheat if you are tempted again.It’s likely to come up in quarrels or just regular conversation. The reminder will be constant and you can’t afford it;  I’m sure even now Kobe Bryant’s wife still yanks his chain about their episode.

Don’t ask, don’t tell.  This works in 2 ways: she knew of it and decided not to act on it, or she genuinely has no clue it happened. Either way shut the hell up, pretend nothing happened and never let it happen again.

So what happened to our friend? That poor cheatin’ bastard followed his instincts and told her the truth. Well, he misses her alot and now lives on his own in a new apartment.

General Advice

My advice to unfaithful men is to get out of their relationships. If you cheated, it’s not simply because you are a jerk. It is likely that you’re not happy with your girlfriend to begin with.

If you can’t man up and commit to your girl completely, then there is no point in wasting time on a hopeless relationship. Save yourself and her the trouble and get out.

When you leave her, don’t tell her you cheated, though. Remember, she has friends. You  don’t want any “negative publicity”; the world is small and it may limit your chances of getting with women she may know.

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break up to make up (sex)

Posted on December 15, 2010. Filed under: Gender Relations |

‘Tis the season to be jolly and some women know ’tis the season for men to break off relationships that may prove too costly to maintain.

Although breaking up is hard to do, make-up sex sure can make it all worthwhile.Experts all over the world agree that having uninhibited sex after a quarrel is a common way for couples to resolve conflict.

I believe that make-up sex can be healthy and that residual anger can add a little spice to what’s already a great experience in and of itself. Some people argue that it’s just dysfunctional behavior. I believe one of the best sexual experiences is that angry, raw, animalistic sex after a quarrel/disagreement.

There is a very thin line between anger and sexual excitement. Pent up aggression, just like sexual frustration, must be released every so often. And after lashing out with angry words, why not jump each other?

Women tend to be a little hesitant to be touched after an argument. Some may even want to hit the poor guy, but that can be a turn on sometimes. I’ve found that there’s nothing quite like a horny, angry woman.

*ladies, if your man displays bounty killer-like tendencies, then don’t hit him*

Depending on the argument (whether it’s my fault or hers), I could take control of the sexual situation. If she’s to blame, I do her like “I’m da muthaf–kin BOSS”; you know, domineering sex. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t throw her around like a rag doll. I’m aggressive but not abusive, I do the hair pulling, ass smacking and lotsa firm gripping while I’m penetrating.

Plenty of women love aggressive sex and if your woman is one of them, then show her that you’re boss in bed and give it to her until she’s sorry… so to speak.

“Please Don’t Go” Sex

If as man you’re at fault for the quarrel or potential break up, then you’ve gotta kiss some ass, FIGURATIVELY (unless literally kissing ass is your thing)

If sex is going to happen after one of these episodes, it’s going to be the very emotional and caring kind. It has to be earth-shattering. The man has to make her feel like a trillion dollars because you’re in a vulnerable position. Massage her, kiss her whole body softly and if you’re into oral sex, make sure her eyes rollover and she speaks in languages never before heard and make sure when she’s cumming she convulses like a demon is being exorcised from her.

When you give her that sweet “baby please don’t leave me, I’m so sorry and I’ll do anything to make you happy” sex, she just might forget what you were fighting about.

Sex Is Not the solution

Using sex as the solution to fighting is like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound — it won’t really allow the relationship to progress or heal.

If the desire is mutual, make-up sex can have a positive effect outside the bedroom. By releasing tension and passion in a sweaty, physical bout in the “romping shop” a couple can probably discuss real issues with a clear head.

After sex, couples should be able to talk to each other with clarity and a calm attitude. Who wants to talk after sex though? Usually she does, but since this is make-up sex I’ve found that it makes perfect sense to stay awake and resolve the issue in the “afterglow”.

For many couples, sex after an intense argument or temporary separation reassures them that the relationship can still work. There’s a certain feeling that the relationship is fragile after a fight and the intimacy of very passionate sex goes a far way in rebuilding confidence in the relationship.

So why is the sex so good? When two people quarrel, they get excited. That excitement can easily translate into a state of arousal, and consequently, mind-blowing sex.

Always keep in mind that sex is not the solution, but a means to an end — not the end itself. And don’t start fighting just for the make-up sex.

So go tell your woman that you have a bone to pick with her, and then put it inside her!

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Women and lying

Posted on December 8, 2010. Filed under: Gender Relations |

On average a man will tell 126,672 lies in their entire life, which amounts to six lies a day, and women are not much better when it comes to tellnig the truth.

A poll carried out by 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment found that women are less dishonest, telling three lies per day, or 68,796 in a lifetime.

The most common lie among both sexes was: “Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine.”

Hip Hop artiste Yo Gotti has a track called “Women lie, Men lie” which tells 3 important truths: 1. Women lie… 2. Men lie… and 3. Numbers don’t lie.

Regardless of the fact that nobody enjoys being lied to, it seems that lying within all types of relationships is common.  Most of us are guilty of a little lie now and again. I simply recommend that people don’t do things they have to lie about (easier said than done). Any type of relationship that’s filled with regular lies easily becomes hurtful and destructive.

Chris Rock told some truth when he said “men lie the most, but women tell the biggest lies.” He said men tell lies like “yeah of course I was out with the boys”. Women tell lies like “of course the baby is yours honey”.

Women often tell horror stories about how they’ve been lied to in past relationships, but I think women are as guilty of lying as men. They may have different motives, but a lie is still a lie.
I don’t think lies on a whole can be justified, but there are exceptions I’m sure. Either way lying is dangerous and damaging. I conducted an informal survey among my female friends and realised there are many different reasons why women lie.

Some women rather keep a man in the dark if there’s something about him she doesn’t like, so they lie. Many times it festers and “breaks out” during a fight/quarrel. It’s almost like they put up with some crap until their tolerance/patience wears thin.

You know what pisses me off? FAKE ORGAMS!!! You’re doing yourself, the man and the next woman he sleeps with a big disservice. If he thinks he’s good, when he’s actually not then the man will continue doing “his thing” and the bad sex is gonna continue with some other unfortunate woman.

When women have made mistakes in life or done things(people) they’re not proud of, they don’t want to be judged. So she’ll lie to hide her past. That’s what women sometimes consider a “necessary lie”. I say, find a way to be honest with the man ‘cause if he discovers later on from “another source” then there will be lotsa questions to answer and then some.

On that same matter of “necessary lies”, some women believe it’s less likely for her to feel hurt if she breaks it off with a man who doesn’t know the skeletons in her closet. The less he knows about her past, the easier it is to break up and move on. Odd logic for me, but in the mind of women it seems to make sense. I guess she’s protecting herself from vulnerability; some sort of defense mechanism I suppose.

Women lie when they don’t trust a man. Some info is sensitive and confidential and can only be shared when there’s absolute confidence that it won’t be leaked. She may have information she considers sensitive and isn’t sure whether to tell you about it. Trust can be developed over time and when that happens, those lies should stop.

I’ve seen women fake tears and much more just because they know how to manipulate a man. As far as I’m concerned women who do this deserve whatever karma delivers to them in the end. No sympathy from me on that call.

Besides fake orgasms, what pisses me off are those lies that women use to “test” a man. What kinda childish bullshit is that?  Some women claim that “testing” a man is meant to catch the “bad guys” before they get too close. A “bad” enough man will get through to you quite often after it’s too late and a “good guy” may relaise you’re lying and get turned off.

Parting advice

Any relationship built on lies will collapse in the worst way. I say be honest and call a spade a spade. Avoid doing things that you’ll have to lie about if confronted. That’s advice to men and women.

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Friends with the ex? Not simple at all

Posted on November 25, 2010. Filed under: Gender Relations |

I ran into an ex-girlfriend yesterday. This was our first time seeing each other in about 2 years. The break-up was “clean” (mutual) and we maintained contact via Facebook; you know, happy birthday and merry Christmas. We’re both now parents and we compare ‘parental notes’, but our online exchanges never go deeper than that. Our face to face encounter was a little different from online. I’m not gonna get into what was so “different”, but it made me think a lot.

She and I shared memories that made us laugh and cry. We’ve taken those experiences and moved on. Given that our break up wasn’t “bitter” we felt it would have been ok to remain friends or at least just maintain a ‘civil interaction. Neither of us was the proverbial “heartbreaker”/”dumper”.

I must admit that I felt a lil weird (jealous) when she told me about her pregnancy. Thought to myself “dat coulda been my child if things were different”.  We were friends before we went down the relationship path but we’ll never go back to that friendship we had. When we chatted yesterday lotsa confessions came forth. Things like how we both reflect on the amazing sex we had and how particular perfumes/colognes or even music triggers a flashback.

As much as we’re ‘friends’ now, we won’t ever really confide in each other. How would we tell each other that we’ve got a hot date lined up soon or that we’re going to Hedonism for a wild weekend with the new lover? It would just be weird. I figure we could share other details with each other but, but new lovers and mates are always going to be a sensitive issue.

Remaining friends seems to provide us with the security blanket that we’ll always be in each other’s lives but just in a different way. We check on each other once in a while to find out how we are, but we never actually KNOW how we really are.

A certain level of passion and sexual desire still exists between us, afterall, that wasn’t the reason for the breakup. This is a recipe for disaster but we’ve decided that we wouldn’t go back there, but o lord we want to. I wouldn’t mind 1 night of unbridled “goodbye” sex, for old times’ sake. I’m confident she feels the same.

Leaving the past behind is hard, but I’m glad we don’t see each other in person often. Otherwise we’d end up just lingering in each other’s lives and that would make it harder to move on. It’s almost like keeping one foot in the past, and another struggling to go forward.
I believe it’s a better idea to leave things with pleasant memories of the other person, rather than potentially doom a civil relationship.

In a perfect world, the ideal would be for exes to succeed at being friends. But in this world where bitterness, jealousy, passion, and human nature exceed reasoning and rational thought, it’s impossible in most cases to remain friends with an ex.

Moral of the story

Unless you and your ex were the best of friends before, you both broke up on the same terms in a perfectly mutual breakup, you’re both comfortable with either of you seeing new people, and have a policy of total honesty, you’re better to leave the friendship behind … along with the memories.

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Evaluating the relationship

Posted on November 16, 2010. Filed under: Gender Relations |

When I enter a relationship, I expect it to last.  I think of it as practise for marriage. Yes, I said marriage! You thought Garth couldn’t harbour such lofty ambitions? lol

Anyway, the sad truth is that as lifestyles change so do people. After a while, flaws and cracks inevitably start to show and you may find yourself dedicating more and more time to fixing the relationship rather than enjoying it to the fullest.  At some point, you may need to acknowledge the fact that your relationship no longer suits your needs. This is usually a very difficult point to explain because to your ‘partner’ you’re gonna look like an asshole. But when the relationship isn’t meeting your individual or collective needs then it’s time for an assessment of the value of the relationship.

My dad recommended thinking of a relationship like a home: both are susceptible to wear and tear and both require a certain amount of upkeep. Sometimes the work put into a relationship feels like a real job (I wish I could have gotten paid). How much work is too much work, though? Sometimes a relationship just needs a little renovation and there are times when the whole thing should be condemned.

Why did I get married?

The most important thing in a house is the foundation. What is the foundation in a relationship? Trust is the foundation of every good relationship, believe it or not. Trust doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m telling her all my secrets. There are lotsa things I would never tell in a relationship, unless directly asked and there’s no option to “plea the 5th”. The important thing is that you’re honest with each other. Whenever I caught a girlfriend telling half-truths or if you don’t give her my honest opinion about anything, it’s a bad sign. It’s also a clear indication that one of us doesn’t trust the other. An absence of trust is cause for SERIOUS concern, it usually means THE END IS NEAR!

Are we there yet?

Sometimes I’m so blinded by lust and physical intimacy that I don’t consider the direction of the relationship until after the novelty has worn off. I figure most people do the same thing. It’s always important to know where the relationship is headed and early too. Whenever my vision of the relationship’s future doesn’t meet with hers then there’s trouble ahead. This is where compromise comes into play and skillful negotiation. If you’re not on the same journey together then in the end you’re gonna end up in different places.

Let’s be real … Let’s be superficial

Looks aren’t everything, but they aren’t nothing either. No easy “renovations” can be done to a human body. That’s why in a relationship, physical appearance is important consideration. To some, it might seem shallow to evaluate your partner based on looks, but let’s be real: our level of attraction to each other is going to impact how physical(intimate) we get with each other. Let’s be real again, intimacy (or the lack thereof) affects every other area of the relationship. I usually ask myself “how will she look in 20 years”. I bet all my exes asked the same question about me. For women they say that a man can tell how his wife will age based on how her mom has aged. That’s usually been a good gauge in my experience. If we’re not finding each other “hot” or appealing anymore that’s when the temptation to ‘outsource’ intimacy may creep in.

Watch dem quarrels

I avoid confrontation and quarrels, but a healthy debate is always a good thing. It’s a good thing to have a difference of opinion that can be managed/handled responsibly.  I’ve got friends who always seem to be fighting/quarreling but how much fighting is normal? Periodic arguing, even the occasional blowout, is not unusual. Constant bickering, however, is a sign of serious problems.  My experience has taught me that hearing nasty comments from her too often is a sign of built-up resentment or anger.

The grass isn’t necessarily greener

We always hear about the old man leaving his wife for a younger hotter girl. Does his story always have a happy ending? Very rarely does t end happily ever after for him. You shouldn’t jeopardize a relationship just because someone else catches your eye.

It’s human to look around and envy others. I’m always reminded of the Jamaican idiom “See mi and live wid me a 2 different ting‘. Not every couple that appears happy or ideal is really that way. Who you think is your “dream partner” could end up being a nightmare.

I recommend that you try to fix what you have before racing off to find a new relationship, or before racing to be single. Ending a relationship is a big decision. Before you start packing your things, you need to be certain about what else is out there.

Panel of peers aka ‘Relationship Jury’

Whether I may like it or not, once my friends and her friends know of the relationship everybody is gonna have an opinion. Some people will voice their opinion uninvited. Some will only share it if they’re asked and others won’t say a word. Think about how your significant other gets along with your friends, family and colleagues. After-all, you’re both gonna have to interact with all these folks from time to time. If who you’re with can’t win the favour of your closest and most trusted friends/family then that might be a bad sign.

Closing

Every relationship is prone to problems; that’s a given. If you notice an increase in your bickering, your first step should be to try to resolve the issues hampering your romantic bliss. When you’re assessing the value of your relationship, remember that it deserves a fair inspection before you demolish it.

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Why Women Cannot Find a Good Man

Posted on November 10, 2010. Filed under: Gender Relations |

The many variables contributing to this phenomenon actually come down to overcoming one negative attribute of the female mind, which is lack of self-knowledge. (Pardon me, but the whole “academic/intellectual” thing just had to be done at the start, now back to regular talkin, lol)

If a woman does not know who she is and what her purpose and true nature is, she will never understand how to find (get) a good man. Might I also add that part of the reason why men will never understand women is simply based on the fact that WOMEN really don’t understand WOMEN. Their “complexity” as a species/gender has rendered them inconsistent in actually practicing what they preach.

First, let us dispel all the myths and urban legends.

There is no shortage of men. Though there are many men in the prison system, there are not as many men in the prison system than there are on the streets. There are also good men in prison (or they come out that way), but most women would rather not date an ex-con because of the societal stigma attached to those who’ve been incarcerated.

There are statistics that suggest that 1 out of 17 men are gay, they are only a small percentage of the general population. Let us also consider the fact that the marriage rate is low, not all good men are married (quite a number of the “bad” men are already married, just ask the women who currently exist in “wedded misery”); it merely appears that way because of the female preference and wish list.

Therefore, this leaves the majority of men available and “marriable” (we should get this word adopted into the English Lexicon). There are many college educated men, single men who are decent men, and many God-fearing men who want a family and would be dedicated to that family. The problem is not so much with men or the shortage myth, but what women want in their men.

Secondly, all too many times, women are expectant of something. They say they will settle for a man with a job, any job, but in reality, when the money is not rolling in plentiful enough to keep up with “girlfriend,” the woman’s true preferences show through. They then attempt to “better” their man by suggesting more schooling (or in extreme cases, “alternate” means of income generation)

Many women claim that physique is not important or looks, or size, but when time comes for public appearances, family reunions, or physical satisfaction, somehow the woman comes up short. She speaks for the man in public (and society has come to expect women to do the talking), she makes excuses to family and friends for her man’s situation, and she constantly seeks change and variety in sexuality.Not to say that all women are like this, but those who cannot seem to find a good man would better fit this profile in more ways than one.

Third, she ignores the brother on her job that just does not spark that physical appeal in her. She is not impressed with the brother’s work habits or his nerdy qualities, and she automatically looks the other way because of his lack of sex appeal and she turns to the brother who got it that way instead, yet he is the one who will treat her like a dog.

She has not understood that many men will make her a good husband if she knew what to look for instead of searching for the stereotypical qualities on her list-of-desirable men. Each woman as an individual will need to identify qualities in a man that are specific to her unique needs in order to find an absolutely compatible mate.

Too many women believe in “society’s” definition of what a man is thus she looks for that man. He is the hunk, the bad boy, the jock, the successful, and she ignores the obvious, the nerd, the simple, the bright, the thinker, the anti-social, and the quiet.

Lastly, women cannot find a good man because she does not know who she is and what makes her happy. Her mother told her to find a successful lawyer or doctor but her mother neglected to tell her that lawyers and doctors can cheat on their wives too.

Her friends told her to find a man who could satisfy her sexually but they neglected to tell her that he will satisfy everyone else’s sexual desires as well.

The woman’s magazine told her to find a man who is sensitive and who will share the house work while she works, yet neglected to tell her that that is reverse oppression and a man will not stay down long under those circumstances.

She has the excuses; she has tried this man and that, but has come to the conclusion that all men are dogs. One problem with that is, if all the men she tried were dogs in her book, then her attempt to train him was a failure; if all the men she’s tried are dogs, does it mean that there’s something wrong with the men? Or is it that there’s something wrong with her?

This leads into the drama of what women want.

The mind games, the control factor, and the unrealistic expectations of women have gone beyond that of reality and into the fanatical.

Women first read the man through and then try him in many areas to test his stability. This is a mistake because if she has to test him then she is expecting something other than a real relationship. She is also putting in jeopardy the potential of a relationship from the beginning.

The games, the games, the mind games. The woman then has to gain control. She first seeks out the man’s weakness and when she has found it, she will either exploit it for her own benefit, because that is what she is taught by her girlfriends, or she will accept it as is and help strengthen it for her advantage in the future. THERE ARE VERY FEW WOMEN WHO WILL IDENTIFY A WEAKNESS IN A MAN AND SEEK TO WORK ON IT TO MAKE THE MAN BETTER FOR THE SAKE OF A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.

She expects sensitivity, consideration, and respect, yet if she is not sensitive, considerate or respectful of others, or herself, she will never receive those things from him. She first has to know herself before expecting this character from others to her own satisfaction.

Does she really want a family or is this something she has come to anticipate from the propaganda of society and media?
Is she going to be a good mother because many men want children but cannot handle a contentious and or perplexed woman? Thus we have many single mothers.

Not to say that men have it all together, but when women complain about not being able to find a good man, they must first understand what a good man is and what to expect from him. She must also know how to give that which is good to the man if she wants to keep him and call him her own.

What say you?…

P.S.

Let me further point out that there is a very clear distinction between women and little girls, which will be the topic of another note.

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Single Life – don’t rush to end it

Posted on November 9, 2010. Filed under: Gender Relations |

Everyday I hear persons complain about trouble in their relationships (marriages). I wonder why people are so obsessed about getting into relationships anyway. When you’re single, you’re not committed anyone in particular, able to party like a rock star and sleep late with no one to tell you to do otherwise. It’s a great life, and why shouldn’t it be?

These days, there’s no real social pressure to get married right out of high school or university unlike when our fore-parents were young. You can easily get laid without saying “I do,” and most people are waiting until much later in life to tie the knot.

People are always asking “when are you going to settle down?” (I’ll take on the whole matter of “settling down” in another blog) Should anyone really be in a rush to ransom their freedom? Should you start searching for your soul-mate and wave bye-bye to your prided singularity?

Remember life’s all about different strokes for different folks. We won’t all subscribe to the same views, not even god can make that happen. So know yourself and know what works for you.

Before I digress let me just talk about why single life can be beneficial

Time to find “the one”

So let’s assume you believe (or been brainwashed) that there’s one person out there for you. In Jamaican parlance “Every hoe have dem stick a bush”. Being single gives you enough time to wait for your true soul mate (if one even exists) to pop into the picture.  The last thing you want is to be in a relationship and meet someone with whom you’re more compatible with than your partner.

When you’re single you can take the time to casually wade through the shark-infested waters of the dating ocean pool and bait your hook for the prize catch.

In other words, by holding out for the right one you can avoid the mistake of a lifetime and marry for love and not out of desperation (or because of the pressure from your friends/family)

It’s sad to say, but too many people get hitched for the wrong reasons, like they’ve reached a certain age, all of their friends are getting married, and they haven’t been successful at dating and this person is the first to show interest.

Staying single allows you to take your time playing the dating game, and increase your odds of beating the divorce statistics.

Career building

Staying single allows you to enjoy the opportunity of building your career without draining the energy a permanent relationship entails. You remain free to put in long hours, work on the weekends or do whatever else you have to do to be more successful. If you’re working in any kind of time-demanding field, such as politics, medicine, law or entrepreneurship you know exactly what I mean.

What’s the advantage, you  might ask, of being successful and single? Think about it, once your business booms and you’re raking in millions then you’ll have alot more “options” from which to choose a mate. Let’s be real for a moment, your chances of getting into a relationship and marriage are significantly increased when you’re rich. It’s just the way of the world (sad but true).  That being said, when you’re rich you probably still won’t even have time to think about marriage, but that’s a risk lotsa people are willing to take.

FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!

When you’re single, the world is your beach and all you have to do is play in the sand. You can pick up and go anywhere you want, do anything you want, any time you want. No one is in the background nagging at you.

You’re absolutely free to hang out with your friends, party until dawn and find plenty of time for your “personal interests” and/or hobbies. Best of all, you have the luxury of being all by yourself, if you feel like it.

SEXUAL OPTIONS

One of the best reasons for staying single is that you don’t have to limit yourself to staying with the same sex partner. Even though there are people(not just men) who have more than 1 sex partner when in a committed relationship [a very sad truth]. The dating world is yours to conquer. You can happily sample all the different offerings at the sexual buffet and keep your taste buds primed for the next dish being served (pardon the eating analogy, lol).

What’s more, you never have to wrestle with sexual boredom or lack of variety, especially if your partner is close minded and unadventurous. Fantasies are all yours to make reality. When you’re single, your sex life can become whatever you want it to be, you can be as uninhibited as you want.

Better wealth management

At the risk of sounding like a complete meanie, I remind you that relationships (marriages) come with particular “attendant costs”. It’s like buying a house or car and having to constantly spend on its upkeep and insurance. The financial decisions/considerations affect no one but you. The buck literally stops with you. The bills you pay and your spending habits are less because you’re spending for just one, especially your entertainment costs. Your only mandate is to be fiscally responsible

By staying single, you’re not legally or financially obligated to anyone but yourself. Oh and let’s consider how money gets split in the event of a divorce. What’s that I hear the men say about prenuptial agreements? Try convincing a woman, regardless of the endless love she has for you, to sign a prenuptial agreement. Moving right along…

Ahhhh yes, good ol’ peace and quiet

Staying single means peace and quiet. When you live alone you’re not subjected to mood swings, emotional storms or blame games. If you’re not a good listener then single life is even more appealing because you won’t be expected to provide counseling at the end of a bad day. You can leave the toilet seat up (or down) and not have to answer to anyone.

I can spoil me

If you see it online or in a store, you can buy it because you want it. When you wake up and feel like jetting off to a random location, then you can do it without having to ask questions. If you feel like going to a hotel, all you gotta do is pack a bag, secure the house and just go. Again, all you have to do is  maintain a certain level of responsibility by not overdoing anything.

Compromise, what the hell is that?

Being single means you don’t have to constantly find a “middle ground” between you and the significant other. You don’t have to do what anyone else wants to do, just to make them happy or keep them off your back. This includes being forced to see chick flicks or attend baby showers or watch/attend sporting events and the list goes on and on

THE SINGLE LIFE

While a relationship (marriage) may provide certain benefits, when you choose to stay single, you’re keeping the door open for many more options and opportunities in your life. Your independence is something you should never surrender lightly, even if you think you’ve met the man/woman of your dreams.

Relationships are risky and emotions are powerful, just bear that in mind before you take a chance with your heart or put someone else’s heart on the line

So think twice (or maybe three times) before you take that long walk down the aisle (literal and figurative).

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Baby Mama Drama – remember the children

Posted on November 4, 2010. Filed under: Gender Relations |

Breaking up with someone and staying civil is hard enough when it’s just between the two of you, but when a child is involved, it can be a bit dicey. It can be a real challenge working with an ex to raise a child, especially when the ex has started another relationship.

 

Many people become bitter when a relationship does not turn out the way he or she wanted. There is a great deal of anger, animosity, and resentment from a broken relationship, which affects the future of the relationship when a child is involved. Both parents or even one of the parents may have difficulty moving on. There’s usually unresolved emotions and feelings. Adults have to be adults when a child or children are in the middle of a quarrel.

 

Derogatory name

Baby mama and baby daddy, 2 terms that I dislike. I understand that it’s a tidy way to refer to the other parent, but the terms just conjure up the wrong image in one’s mind. Get rid of that label. We all should stop referring to your child’s parent as your “baby mama” or “baby daddy”. View them as the other party involved in the creation of your little one. If the child is over the age of two, that term is definitely inappropriate.

 

Right communication

Communicate directly with your ex. Do not use your child as a walkie-talkie. Using your child as a go between can lead to disaster. Children often play sides when it comes to wanting things from their parents. Miscommunication can develop if a message is misconstrued whether intentionally or unintentionally. It’s best if you two do the talking directly. Children aren’t pawns, they are children.

 

Keep it simple and straight forward. Share what your needs or concerns for your child are while being specific and concise. Dont over do the talking. Get right to the point. Once the point has been communicated then move right along to the next point. This way you will avoid quarrels and disagreements. These are not beneficial to the child and hamper the possibility of an amicable relationship with your ex.

 

Don’t lead your ex on.

Speak only of the child. If your own personal matters must be discussed, it should be only tie directly to concerns related to the child. Your personal life is your own and your ex should no longer be a part of it. That is why he or she is called your ex

 

Don’t be obnoxious.

Do not bash the other parent in the presence of your child. You don’t have to be the best of buds, but you should at least be civil. A child can pick up on any animosity you hold for their mommy or daddy and will likely resent you for being the meanie.

 

Schedule properly

Make it work for both parents. Establish a schedule for visitations, attending sporting events, other extra curricular activities, doctor and dental visits. Whether it is a court ruling or set by both parents, it should be made flexible to suit all involved.

 

Tread cautiously with the new partner

Keep them out of it. Avoid getting your new partner involved in matters between you and your ex. If you are strictly about business with your ex, your new mate should feel no insecurity and not interfere with the parental system you’ve set up with your ex. your ex has to be respectful and do the same with their new partner.

 

Everyone has their place. If you are taking the next step in the relationship with your new partner, assure your ex that no one will be taking their place. Make it certain that you have chosen someone who understands the importance of your child’s relationship with the other parent, and make it known you’re not looking for a replacement. If this seems tough, just remember that you wouldn’t want to be replaced by a new mommy or daddy yourself

 

Where’s the drama really coming from?

I think most “drama” comes in where parents break up on very bad terms. If 1 party is jealous, possessive, obsessive and vindictive then moving on after a child or children can become hell. Drama becomes amplified where 1 of the parents is dishonest in their dealings with a new partner.

 

Some individuals subscribe to a sentiment that “if i can’t have the ‘other parent’ no one else can have them”

 

Often times it’s the man who’s the guilty party when dishonesty is at play. If a man is still sleeping with the mother of his child but he wants to move on, HE MUST BE HONEST WITH THE MOTHER AND THE POTENTIAL NEW GIRLFRIEND. If he’s dishonest then that’s when things can become ugly. Can’t always have a cake and eat it too.

 

Mothers face a real challenge in letting go of the man. Aterall, everytime she sees the child or children she must think of him. While they were making the child/children she never necessarily saw a future raising the family without his daily direct input. Men have challenge too, but we seem to handle the situation differently.

 

Men often think that they’re supposed to have exclusive access to the mother(s) of their children. They rarely ever want to deal with the reality of another man being with the mother of their children. Some mothers are also of the same view.

 

It’s not always the parents who  make the situation ‘dramatic’, there are times when the new partner is the one who comes with the wrong attitude/approach and just makes a bad situation worse. It’s therefore the ‘parent’ who’s responsible to “reign in” the new partner. It’s important to tread cautiously, monitor carefully and do all possible for things to work out amicably.

 

This is best facilitated in an environment of honesty.

 

Other things to remember.

– Stick to your guns, being too lax can lead to your ex taking advantage of you.

– Don’t be bullied, you’re an adult, you’re a parent and what you say matters.

– Be cool, people are unpredictable especially after a break up. They might not want to be reasonable; they might not have a desire to get along. Just keep your composure and retrace your steps because in the end its really the child/children which matter.

 

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