Gender Relations

Joe Grind Notes

Posted on July 17, 2012. Filed under: Gender Relations |

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This little blog will deal with some ideas for all to consider, but it’s primarily aimed at those men who play the role of “Joseph P. Grind” aka “Joe Grind”. As always, let me publicly declare that I do not endorse cheating/infidelity of any sort.

Now onto the meat of the matter; if you’re doing something then might as well do it right and with your best abilities. Having played the Joe Grind role in a former life I thought it would be good to advise those men who are currently engaged in the role or considering such an engagement.

ALWAYS use a condom
This point needs no explanation, but here goes anyway. Condoms are effective means of protection from Sexually Transmitted Infections and preventing pregnancy. Further, it lessens the likely hood of her freezing your sperm and using it for god-only-knows-what (watch NCIS or Law & Order SVU).

Bone her like you own her
Handle your business like a boss, word of mouth is the best recommendation. There are lotsa women out there who keep it real and just want to have a good time; some don’t even mind bangin the same man as their friend as long as he’s great in bed.

Avoid outdoing the hubby/boyfriend
If you stroke her better than her hubby/boyfriend you run the risk of her becoming more attached to you than you want. This point is almost the opposite of the 1above, but you have to carefully determine how well you put it on – if she seems like the type to get clingy then she’s not the candidate for that mind-blowing, Oh God I’m in heaven kinda sex

Use a pseudo name
Don’t let her save your contact details in any of her devices or email under your real (Gov’t) name. Your identity must be protected at all costs. For all intents and purposes you’re a phantom, a figment of all imagination – in essence you don’t exist, so keep it that way.

Watch the ‘paper trail’
No matter how much she’s into you or vice versa DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT keep text messages, call records, videos, pics and incriminating emails on any device of yours. Ensure she removes any/every incriminating evidence from anything electronic she owns, especially if the hubby/boyfriend has access to them. Further ask her to be careful when using a credit card on any outings involving you.

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No sleepovers
Hey, wake yo ass up and leave. There’s absolutely no need for you to sleep by her place. What if hubby/boyfren pops a surprise visit? What if 1 of his associates is on duty watching the location without her knowledge? Do your do and leave… She doesn’t need to sleep over by you either; her vehicle could be trailed or worse have a tracking device. Sure I might sound extreme, but anything is possible in these technologically advanced times. Best bet is to meet at random locations using ‘unmarked’ vehicles.

No need for jealousy
If she sleeps with another man, don’t get mad or jealous. Wake up bro. she’s OPP(Other People’s Property) NOT YOURS. It’s hers to share with as many as she desires, so if you don’t like that she sleeps with some other Joe Grind then stop bangin her and find another hole to water.

Client confidentiality pt 1
As a Joe Grind it is likely that you’ll be servicing multiple accounts. No client needs to know the identitiy of the others; in fact, no client even needs to know if there are ‘others’ like her. Women don’t like being compared so just shut up about any other experiences you may be having. If, however, you’ve got clients who are interested in a ‘group experience’ then by all means go right ahead to ‘mix and match’.

Client confidentiality pt2
No one needs to know who you’re bangin. The world is small and you don’t know who to trust. The last thing you want is for hubby/boyfren to get word about you being the man up in his woman. Ask her to keep your identity secret from her frenz and relatives as well. As Bob Marley once said, “only your friend knows your secret, so only s/he could reveal it…”

Good manners
In your mind she might be a slut, in fact, she may even think of herself like that but she still deserves to be treated with respect. Be courteous, open her doors, pull her chairs and just be an all round gentleman, she deserves it. Make her feel special.

NEVER fall
Your heart is not to get involved. Be dominated by logic and not emotion. Here’s the simple reason, it’s a matter of trust. Bear this in mind, if she’s cheating on him with you, there’s nothing to stop her from cheating on you with someone else if you both decide to commit to each other. Ok, ok, people can change; so she could become a new person with no intention of cheating on her partner in future, but I don’t think it’s a likely occurrence.

Calling it quits
This is no fairytale, so it’s not meant to last forever and surely not “happily ever after” either.  All things must come to an end, so be wise and know when to call it quits. You can’t bone her forever –truth is, the longer you keep it up, the more likely it s that both your covers will get blown. A smart man knows when to pull out, pardon the pun.

So there you have it, 12 ideas to bear in mind when you’re role playing as Joseph P. Grind.

I welcome your feedback.

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Matey by choice – women chasing forbidden fruit

Posted on July 10, 2012. Filed under: Gender Relations |

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Life is filled with duality – good v evil, left wing v right wing and matey v wifey among others; so let’s talk about this wifey v matey matter, focusing on the matey.

For the purpose of this blog let’s focus particularly on the mateys who weren’t tricked into the relationship with the man. Instead I want to share my view about those mateys who knew the man had a ‘wife’ and still decided to go for him. Let me also add that I don’t endorse cheating.

So now I’ve got that out the way let me get into this matter. Truth is that most women don’t seek out or pursue interest in unavailable men, but more women do it than many of us would like to admit. I’m pretty sure that most of you reading this blog have seen examples of this in reality, some of you may have been in the situation playing either the role of wifey, matey or the ‘husband.

Based on my personal observation and discussions I’ve come to the position that women who go for unavailable men usually feel that they are more committed to the relationship than the men are. These women usually feel that the men have all the power and control in the relationship. Women in relationships with unavailable men feel that they have to work hard to keep the man interested, and often try to change themselves into being whatever they think the man is looking for.

Simply put, relationships with unavailable men are frustrating and unsatisfying, yet too many women try-try-try to stick it out and make things work… but why????

I think the women who go for unavailable men have some serious insecurity and self esteem issues. They put so much time and effort into being with this ‘emotionally unavailable’ man, while he has his cake and eats it too.

Part of the motivation for these women is the belief that if the unavailable man finally comes around and commits, they’ll finally have evidence that they are a ‘worthy woman’. Sadly, if he never commits to them their self-worth is left hanging in the wind. Another motivating factor for these women’s pursuits is that they’ve invested so much and waited so long for the unavailable man to come around that the thought of leaving without any payoff is almost unthinkable.

Matey characteristics
Even though their behavior can lead to a host of problems, these women aren’t fools. They display tremendous strength and perseverance. If a woman sets her mind on getting the attention and affection of an unavailable man, she may go to great lengths to keep giving him chances. At the same time, she’ll often fall into the rut of making excuses for his negligent behavior. Though this approach isn’t ideal, her behavior reflects the fact that she is patient, hard working, and committed to something she cares about. Those are good qualities!

Let me add that there’s also the characteristic of bravery/courage – because if the wife finds out about the affair there can be hell to pay especially if the wife is confrontational. In that case it’s a matter of beat or be beaten – rarely does wife focus her energy on the man, she heads straight to fighting matey.

A bit of advice
For women who find themselves in a relationship with an unavailable man, you don’t need to change everything about yourself, just switch your focus. Stop trying to get his attention and/or affection and instead focus on your own emotional needs.

Focus on trying to get those emotional needs met by a man who’s willing to be a MAN and not just a GROWN BOY. If you’re willing to do the work to explore your behavior, motivations, and needs, you could find yourself in the near future in a relationship with a man who’s actually worth it. Imagine that!

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Sexual A.D.D.

Posted on June 28, 2012. Filed under: Gender Relations |

I caught up with an old university friend of mine who lived on campus circa 2002. We started recounting our days of sharing ourselves with the lovely ladies on campus, it brought back many laughable memories but it also made me think.

ImageMy thoughts led me to coin a phrase which I hoped would have been original – Sexual ADD. Apparently the phrase isn’t new and urbandictionary.com provides this definition along with another:

Sexual ADD – A description of a person’s attitude towards sexual activity that generally involves moving from partner to partner in a short timespan, or cheating, and is used to describe the activity when there is no other explanation.

Most men can relate to the following even if not as a result of a personal experience…

It’s Thursday evening, so technically the weekend has begun. Ping ping ping – it’s your blackberry with a couple messages from that supremely sexy woman you met the night before at Medusa’s (a local watering hole). She’s available tonight but there’s just one small problem – you made movie plans with another woman who you think will finally make you “close the deal” after the movie and a few drinks at your place.

A big man never worries here because “Ms. Movie date” can wait; afterall you both have been waiting to hit the sack so one more night of not seeing each other won’t rule out the sex anyway. So you send her a text (or make a call) explaining the urgent need to reschedule the movie date due to “unforeseen circumstances”. The new girl must get priority here.

In the middle of rescheduling girl #1 and flirting via messenger with girl #2 comes a call from a third girl who you’ve been ‘gettn it on’ with for a couple months now. The sex is great and she wants no commitments so it’s perfect, but tonight she NEEDS you (your genitals) lol. Now you have a decision to make, thankfully it’s an easy one – take out new girl for drinks early and tell the 1 who NEEDS you that you’ll swing by round midnight. All this is done with the proviso that if new girl wants to get laid then “Ms. Need you tonight” will have to have that need met tomorrow night – she can wait, neither of you have anything to lose.

This type of situation is no longer applicable to just a “gyallis” (Cassanova/Player) but probably most men – average men. I strongly believe more and more men are putting themselves in these types of situations and end up suffering from Sexual ADD (Affection Deficit Disorder) due mainly to how technology allows us to connect with people with an abundance of sexual opportunity.

Back in the day people were most likely to marry or just date someone within probably a 10mile radius of where they live. These days with the internet and smartphones permeating virtually every living space, dating (or just gettn laid) isn’t limited to just those who live nearby, it could even be another country.

I think women get the shitty end of the stick in this regard because they have to compete heavily for a man’s complete/undivided attention and affection more now than ever before. Men are naturally wired to spread their seed and therefore auto-response system ready to kick in when new or potential sexual opportunities appear.

On the downside though there are negative side effects of this ‘game’ we play – broken hearts, unplanned pregnancies, drama and women who have an apathetic view of men are but a few of the side effects. Even further though is the fact that most men don’t seem to know when to settle down and treat women in a way they would want their moms, sisters or aunts to be treated. In defense of the specie though, men are always considering some of the following:
1. “Am I making the right choice in committing to a particular woman?”
2. “How will I know if she’s the right one if I don’t simultaneously compare and contrast her with other women?
3. “Could there be a hotter, kinder, smarter, wealthier girl who comes along after I commit to this particular one?”

Those thoughts are the biggest dangers of Sexual ADD. It leaves most men unable to make decisions/commitments.

A man’s craving for (promiscuous) sex is a lot like our addiction to salt, fat and sugar. We crave it but too much can ruin our chance of making future generations have meaningful, long-lasting, wholesome relationships.

Our only hope as men is to make an intellectual decision to moderate our intake and stick to a healthy diet of open, honest relations where no one is fooled or played.

This blog isn’t written to provide solutions, but to provoke thought and inspire you to seek or create solutions to relationship problems.

What are your thoughts? Share them in the comments section and share this with a friend.

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Bun and the married woman

Posted on June 19, 2012. Filed under: Gender Relations |

ImageI watched a programme on CNN recently which noted some research carried out by relationship experts in the United States about rates of infidelity (bun) among married couples. It showed infidelity ranging from 30-60 percent of women compared to 50-70 percent of men. The researchers also noted that the gap is closing. Sadly, I don’t know what the statistics are among Jamaican couples, but I’m willing to bet that the figures won’t vary much

Since most people resign to taking the apathetic view of men – all men are dogs and therefore will cheat – the new questions is why then do so many women take secret lovers?

Women’s choice to cheat is, in some cases, daring or desperate; in other cases it’s both. A desperate plea for help and a daring means for change in their marriage or their own selves. The extramarital affair is serious stuff and not just fun.

I’ve noticed this infidelity as an increasing trend among my married female friends. Since I’m still waiting my turn to walk the aisle I thought it would be wise to note what their reasons are so I can avoid givng my wife-to-be any reason to ‘share’ herself with anyone but me.

My discussions proved 1 basic, simple truth – that women have secret lovers primarily because they’re not getting their needs and desires met in their marriages. Try as they may, wives are often unable to reach their husbands.

Why cheat?
Feeling stifled, unfulfilled, frustrated, and helpless in their marriages, they step outside of their marriages. Taking the step is in itself empowering. The affair is a daring active choice, not the usual passive response. It brazenly screams out loudly “Enough is enough! Something’s got to give, either the marriage or me.” That’s only the first step to independence and power.

Not all wives in unfulfilling marriages go the route of infidelity; some take the honourable decision to seek counseling with the hubby to get things addressed (hopefully solved). It takes a daring wife to have an affair but an even more daring wife to recommend (and attend) therapy to repair the marriage or repair themselves.

Oh Lord, the children…
What about the children? People often stay in unsatisfactory marriages for the sake of the children. It is a huge mistake. Parents in miserable marriages only make for miserable children. The legacies for these children are flawed concepts/models of marital relationships, and unfulfilled, powerless mothers. The affair, while not necessarily the most sensible choice, is nevertheless an act of empowerment. Instead of a weak, dependent or resentful mother, the children now have a stronger, more independent, and fulfilled female role model.

What’s the affair about?
A common belief is that the affair is about sex. It is not. For the most part, sex was better at home before romance eroded. Screaming fights or silent seething hostility depletes romance and extinguishes the ‘flames of passion’. In chatting with my female friends I discovered that problems in their sex life were not about the quality, but the quantity. Fighting to the death or suffering in silence kills sexual desire for most wives. And there’s less and less sex in the marriage.

It therefore left me wondering – If insufficient sex is the result of unsatisfactory marriages and affairs the result of unhappy marriages, what are the causes? What do wives want? Not only do they want emotional commitment, sexual passion, safety, protection and independence; all wives want mutuality, equal power relationships, and recognition from their husbands. Devotion, love, and commitment without passionate sex, fun, and excitement is the “steak without the sizzle”. For wives to feel sexy they need the sizzle.

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Self confidence – is it what women want?

Posted on July 26, 2011. Filed under: Gender Relations, Personal Development |

The question of what women want has been with us since God (if you’re religiously inclined) created women. I doubt even God could tell us what women want, and no I’m not being blasphemous. Don’t you think he would have revealed it to some ‘holy man’ by now? … Moving on

I’ve observed and interacted with thousands of women (I’m not boasting or exaggerating) over the years. These interactions have taken on various kinds, but I have always sought to learn something new about them every time. So below, I’ve just put forward something for us all to consider.

I don’t know if the question will be answered at the end, but I do hope to provoke thought and promote further discourse on the matter.

Self esteem/Self confidence and materialism
I live in an age and an era where the media bombards us with sexually charged images. Nude or semi-nude woman parade across our magazines, TV series, commercials, movies, mobile phones and oh yes, who can forget porn available everywhere.

So we’re now in an environment where as a man I’m sexually stimulated everyday, but the girls/women aren’t necessarily any easier to come by than say 10 years ago when I was just starting university.

The truth is though that the sexual messages in media tend to frustrate many men and may even lower their self esteem. Probably because the women seem ‘easy’ in the ads etc. but tend to be a little more difficult to break down in reality. The girls in the ads and movies are ‘hot and sexy’. The real-life hot and sexy girls don’t come so easily, so there’s all this temptation in the flesh, but they can’t get the flesh they want to come home with them. Many men either lower their standards and go for more “available flesh” or try using money or material things to lure the flesh home. *geez, don’t i sound callous*

The end result is often than many men just view women as sex objects and some even get hostile towards women when their sexual advances are declined.

Materialism and erosion of self esteem
These days we are ‘defined’ by what we buy or own. The food you eat or drinks you have are supposed to ‘express’ who you are as an individual. Think about it, who would you be more attracted to a sardine eater or a lobster eater? Would you go for someone taking a bus or someone who’s driven around in a luxury vehicle? *for the men, if you could have Beyonce, would you take Solange? If you don’t know who Solange is, do a google search*

Anyhow, studies consistently show that most women aren’t impressed by what men drink or drive. I wonder if women lie on these surveys, lol. The stats exist, so we just have to work with them

In this consumer/market driven global economy (capitalism) men who are self confident and don’t have to dance to the “beat of the drum of the world” are often not highlighted or should I say ‘popular’. You see, in this capitalist existence large companies want a society of wimps and ‘lackies’ who are easily swept by any wave which spews from their respective marketing/PR departments. These corporations profit off people’s (men’s) low self esteem.

I think the advertising strategies are aimed at increasing materialism and insecurity so that the audience (particularly men) will conform to whatever ‘values’ a company or campaign seek to instill. We’re told that we “deserve the best” (meaning whatever the company is selling). “The best” is often advertised to us as something which is accompanied by beautiful young women.

Let me just say that it’s natural for most of us guys to seek beautiful women, but if our self worth depends on how the wife/girlfriend looks then she’s gonna leave pretty fast.

No matter how beautiful/attractive a woman may think/know she is I personally believe that no woman wants to be valued solely for her ability to boost a mans ego or enhance his self esteem.

Sad truths
Self esteem or self confidence in men tends to decline as more and more women earn the same incomes as men do. I’ve heard it in barber shops and bars – I mean, where else to get the real pulse of my gender, right? lol

Another sad truth is that lotsa men assume that money is the key to attracting women and even get depressed because they are not rich/wealthy.

Learn this my brothers, and I am unapologetic about it, women who are ONLY attracted to men because of their wealth are whores. They don’t want a man or a relationship, they want the money. Basically they’re doing a job – the oldest profession in the world aka prostitution!

Research backed by statistics show that real women (meaning not whores) are engineered biologically to be attracted to men who have self confidence and not afraid to take risks. However, these biological inclinations sometimes become eroded by societal pressures influenced by capitalism (money and advertising).

I still believe that a real woman (the one who would make an excellent wife or girlfriend) wants a man who is self confident, purposeful, driven and adventurous.

As a man I implore you to seek for these women and leave the whores be.

Having money in your wallet or bank account isn’t what attracts the type of woman who will make a good wife/girlfriend. Those women know that fortunes are won and lost but men with self-confidence bounce back.

Those women won’t leave you when the economy crashes or if you lose your job. That’s why it’s self-confidence and not financial assets is what real women want.

Think on these things.

*I’m sure the list of things women seek in a mate goes further than self confidence, but with that quality so many other things can develop*

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We just had sex, now what?

Posted on July 16, 2011. Filed under: Gender Relations |

We just had sex, now what? That’s a question which always pops up the first time you have sex with someone new.

Men and women tend to answer this question differently, but since I’m a man this blog shall be testosterone-driven.

Now the next thing to consider when answering this question is if it’s a fling (1-night stand), the possible start of a relationship or a “friends with (sexual) benefits” situation.

Before I go any further, let me just say that the key to making the response simple and comfortable is to communicate clearly and openly. Don’t play games and lie. Just be real and in being real be prepared to accept a dose of reality from the other party.

Now let’s move on…

The start of a relationship
So there we are, laying  beside each other. We’ve gone out a few times, flirted alot and skirted around the issue of our sexual attraction to each other and the desire to make our association more than just sexual. We’ve pretty much decided that we want it to last.

Now while laying there a million questions go through a man’s mind (my mind)… Did she cum? Did she really enjoy it? Did she want me to last longer? Should I cuddle her? Do I go to the bathroom? Does she want a ‘2nd round’ now? When should I leave or when would be a good time to take her home? … the questions go on and on.

Right after the first time can always be a little weird/awkward regardless of how long you’ve known each other or have been going out together. No matter how much sexual experience you’ve had before this, it’s always a  bit weird right after sleeping with someone new, I think it’s your most vulnerable point.

Well, as long as you know what this woman means to you all you gotta do is just relax. Since you both like each other and you’re thinking of cementing a relationship then the sex is only likely to get better. As you both get to know each other better, the lines of communication about sex will open up and you’ll learn how to please each other completely.

I recommend that the conversation about the sex not occur immediately after the sex while you lay there. Offer her a drink (even if it’s water lol) and it doesn’t matter if it’s her place and you’re the visitor. Touch her, smile with her, make her feel comfortable, show you care, give her a little kiss. Comment on something general, strike up a conversation, after all you have been out for a while so you should know how to engage her mind.

Maybe the conversation about the sex may come up shortly after, but I usually recommend saving it for the next day and preferably not over the phone or on instant messenger, do it face to face. Let me just point out that if you blew her mind she’ll be likely to immediately start talking about what you did.

“Jesus christ, I’ve never had anybody do me like that. I’m still shaking, where the f–k did you learn to do that?” Those are usually good opening lines to hear from her. If that’s what she’s saying then awkwardness goes right through the window.

Beyond that point then it’s all good, because now the lines of communication for sex are open and that’s always good. My only other bit of advice is that make sure you don’t screw up the relationship (that’s a topic for another blog).

1 night stand / ‘friends with (sexual) benefits’
This is where that moment after sex tends to be most awkward.  As a man, I think it’s easier for us to manage how we feel afterwards. The point here though is to not let the woman feel like a whore afterwards. Someone might be asking now, “what if she’s a whore?” It doesn’t matter if you’re her first lover or her 91st, never let a woman feel like a whore after sex.

Let me reiterate the point about communication. Make sure that before you and her end up in the sack together that it’s clear what’s going to happen. Are you going to spend the night together or will one of you be going back to your respective homes at what ever hour it is when it’s all done.

You both need to establish that neither of you are looking for a relationship right now, so the sex is just the manifestation of sexual attraction between you both.

Now let me just say that many men don’t want to be honest with women about the fact that it’s just sex that they want right now. If you lead a woman to believe you want more than just sex she’s is gonna be pissed when she discovers the truth.

This deception men execute over the years is part of the reason women don’t trust us. When you lie or cheat on a woman you fuck it up for honest/well-intentioned men. Bottom line, don’t lie to get some pussy. Just tell her the truth in a decent/tactful way and let her decide if she’s gonna lay with you.

Moving on… So given that you both know it’s a fling for a night or ‘regular fling’ and also you’ve determine what’s going to happen afterwards then it’s easy to answer the “now what?”

Don’t immediately get dressed and leave or ask her to get out right away. Take a little time, maybe a few minutes. You may want to express that you had a great evening and you enjoyed her company. Be mannerly/courteous, after all you may want to “hit it” again.

Conditions apply
This blog was written on the assumption that the first sex happened at your home or hers. Further it is assumed you live alone or have full control of who you entertain and can “do as you please”.

The dynamics are a little different if it occurs outdoors, in a club, at a party, at a hotel/motel or some “unconventional location”.

If one or both of you are cheating, that also impacts what happens after.

The quality of the sex significantly impacts what’s next. The assumption for this blog is that the sex was good (at least a 6.5 out of 10)


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Irrational behaviour – falling in love

Posted on May 24, 2011. Filed under: Gender Relations |

Having been somewhat familiar with love of varying types over the years, I thought I might as well try to understand it. I’ve come up with little, lol.

It is a topic with which everyone is familiar; but we all have various views on its meaning, purpose and manifestation/expression.

I’ve shared various views on the matter but this time I chose to research it a little deeper, came across two helpful authors – Anthropologist Helen Fisher and Evolutionary Biologist Richard Dawkins.

Fisher, in her book – Why We Love, suggests that romantic love is insane because of what it strictly requires/expects – devotion to 1 and only 1.

As a man I tend to agree with her. If I know 100 women and fall in love with only 1, how would I really know how ‘lovable’ the others are? How could I make an “informed choice”?

Ideally, humans should be given the opportunity to explore, investigate and keep options open.

When people are in love they speak of their beloved like they’re the best person in the world, only to be proven wrong later( in some cases). When in love we tend to “put all our eggs in one basket”, when I was a child I learned this was a dangerous practice.

Often times the only person you can compare the current beloved to is a horrible ex. Proving that quite often we make romantic errors and execute poor judgement when “in love”. We shouldn’t have put them on a pedestal.

Fisher further suggests that while we have become susceptible to monogamous love, ‘polyamory’ might be a more RATIONAL approach.

Polyamory is the belief that one can simultaneously lover several members of the opposite sex, just as one can love more than one wine, composer, book or sport.

Think about it, we all accept that we can love more than one child, parent, sibling, teacher, friend or pet. So don’t you find it a bit weird that we ‘expect’ romantic love to be exclusive?

Dawkins highlights that work done by Fisher and others, has shown that “being in love is accompanied by unique brain states, including the presence of neurally active  chemicals (natural drugs) that are highly specific and characteristic of the state” of being in love.

Dawkins explains from a Darwinian point of view that maybe monogamous love spurred from a need to protect the species via co-parenting for the raising of a family.

Essentially, a very important task humans try to accomplish is choosing one good partner for all sorts of reasons. But once the choice is made and a child conceived, then it is more important to stick with that one choice at least until the child is weaned. Many times people stay together “for the kids” after the love has long gone. We’ve seen or heard of how terrible that can be.

Any route or explanation you choose, whether Fisher or Dawkins, it’s clear that being in love constitutes irrational behaviour – doesn’t make sense. It lacks logic.

Further, let’s think of crimes of passion or the severe depression which comes as the result of having one’s heart broken when in love.

Not every human brain is suited for being in love.

But what of the beauty and the indescribable experience of being in love, you might ask. Indeed it is a beautiful thing, but my experience has taught me that it is all a big risk.

Taking a risk like that is irrational, yet we still do it.

I know my fate is to join my ancestors in irrationality and say like the poet Alfred Lord Tennyson…

In Memoriam 27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.



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Have you ever been in love?

Posted on April 30, 2011. Filed under: Gender Relations |

Recently while on Facebook I came across a poem written by Natalie Anguine. It dealt with the matter of being in love and how it can hurt. Give it a  read and share your feedback…

Natalie Anguine - poet

Have you ever fallen in love, but know they didn’t care?
Have you ever felt like crying, but knew it would get you nowhere?
Have you ever watched them walk away, not wanting them to go?
And whispered, “I love you” softly… not wanting them to know?
You cried all night in misery and almost went insane,
There’s nothing in this world that causes so much pain.
If I could choose between death and love, I think I’d rather die.
Love is fun, it hurts too much and the price you pay is high.
So, I say, don’t fall in love, you’ll be hurt before it’s through.
You see my friend, I ought to know, I fell in love too.

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Why “Joe Grind” can’t marry her

Posted on February 18, 2011. Filed under: Gender Relations |

For those of you who know me, Garth’s no angel #NewsFlash . On occasion I’ve been called upon to play various roles with the ladies… boyfriend, lover, man, best-friend, confidante, counselor and, of course, “joe grind”.

If you’re unfamiliar with the phrase “joe grind”, let me quickly share.

Mr. Joseph P. Grind is the gentleman responsible for “fitting in” where boyfriends/husbands are absent or shirking responsibility. He is an “upstanding” citizen and a man who’s “firm” beliefs women ‘open up’ to. He’s a man who knows that sorrow endureth for a night, but “joy cometh in the morning” and he gladly ‘spreads joy’ too.  *replace ‘joy’ with any female name u desire*

Joe Grind is the man on the side. He’s never seen by the husband/boyfriend but he knows who the husband/boyfriend is. He may not even be listed as a contact in her phone nor on facebook. For all intents and purposes he is a phantom except when it’s time for action.

He watches as her relationship/marriage progresses. Joe listens as she express her disappointments with the relationship she’s in, but at no point does Joe want her to leave; because if she leaves then… *dramatic theme* … she’s likely to want more of Joe, and he cannot have that.

You see, when a Joe has an affair with a woman, he rarely ever thinks of  of making it permanent. There are exceptions.

Sadly, there are some Joes who see themselves as the man she should have been with in the first place.  Joe, in this case, now sees himself as her ‘knight in shining armour’, come to rescue the damsel in distress. I got 2 words for ya pal – BIG MISTAKE!

Statistics and Trust
I read somewhere online that only 1 in 10 relationships which start from affairs actually last. It’s just not gonna happen, or let me say unlikely to last.

There’s no need to bust your brain trying to figure the reason. It’s one very simple thing – TRUST or should I say the lack thereof. “Trust is like an egg, once it’s broken it can never be the same” – Anonymous (aka. I don’t remember who)

You witnessed and helped her “break an egg”. Remember now, you both started off by cheating. Hey Joe, if she cheated on her last boyfriend and then left him for you, what guarantee do you really have that you won’t end up in the same position? I can answer that for you – NONE, zero, zilch, nada!

Natural instincts
Think about yourself as a man, you really aren’t engineered for monogamy, especially after playing the role of Joe for a while.

Try this for a dose of truth: human beings are evolved for sexual living which features multiple simultaneous sexual relationships. Men, especially, are designed by evolution to be attracted to sexual novelty and to gradually lose sexual attraction to the same partner in the absence of such novelty.

It’s called the “Coolidge Effect” (google it) and it’s well demonstrated in social mammals of all sorts. Yes, I know a thing or two about reproductive biology.

“See me and live with me, 2 different things”
Remember this, playing the role of Joe is quite different from being husband/boyfriend. There are bad sides of her you won’t experience because you are Joe, only a husband/boyfriend would be exposed to those things. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

Responsible action
As I close, I must do the honourable thing. I don’t want to leave you with the wrong impression of me (might be too late, but what the heck)

If you’re currently cheating on your partner, please recognise that this action is unfair to them and yourself. Stop living a lie. Be strong, be bold and invite your partner to sit with you and evaluate the relationship.

Suspend the cheating until you have resolved the issues you both face in the relationship, or at least discussed them fully. Sadly, it may be necessary to end the relationship.

I guarantee you that the hurt you both feel if you end it after an honest evaluation will be much less than if it ends because your partner discovered you were cheating.


P.S. the same thing applies to the “girl on the side” or “matey” or “Jane Grind”

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Why I said no to sex, the first night

Posted on January 25, 2011. Filed under: Gender Relations |

I moved from Jamaica in early January to take up a job in Dominica.

No, it’s not the Dominican Republic, Haiti’s neighbour and home of Latina booties (beauties).

I came to the Eastern Caribbean nation of Dominca – the land of 365 rivers and gorgeous, lush vegetation. Whoever said Jamaica is the “land of wood and water” should have visited Dominica first.

Anyhow, those of you who have left your native land to reside elsewhere would be well aware of some of the challenges associated with dating in a new/different culture and environment.

Dominica has a population of around 70,000 which is pretty damn small. There are virtually no secrets here and people love each others business. The nightlife is not to be compared with Jamaica; it’s alot slower here. But I’ve found out that where money and rum exist, a great time can be had whenever one chooses.

So I met a lovely young lady who had me lusting from the minute I laid eyes on her. After a few drinks we apparently had enough courage to stop staring at each other from a distance and start flirting with each other in conversation.

Long story short we arranged to have dinner and a few drinks the next day, something I hear constitutes a date.

At dinner we had good conversation and the flirting continued. There was undeniable sexual tension (although that could have been the drinks after the meal). I thought of inviting her back to my place, but chose not to. Strange, I know; but I’m in a foreign land, I opted to tread cautiously.

Honestly my decision was more about me and less about her.

Ok, so not trying to get her undies off her may have made her think that I don’t see her as just a sweet piece of ass. Some women find that flattering I hear, oh well.

A female friend once told me that if we had sex on the 1st date it’s like starting the “getting to know you” process in reverse. That’s a joke, ’cause what if we start having sex on the second date? Doesn’t that still compromise the process?… Moving right along

I just figured that delaying the sex might just make it better than if we raced into it that night.

She knows I like her, so she’s confident. The ball is in her court, but there are 2 balls in my pants and I wanted her to chase ’em. Sure I was horny and I didn’t wanna risk having those balls go blue, but I wanted to avoid the typical “man is the hunter, woman is prey”.

Garth isn’t easy to get and that’s what I wanted her to think. I’m also a gentleman, which means getting her to bed is not a rush for me. It’s chivalrous gesture as well, some women are more turned on by these subtle acts of chivalry.

Another thing played on my mind, I’ve come across some real “psycho bitches” in my times.

In retrospect if I had done my “due diligence” before getting naked with some past lovers I would not have gone there with them.

Yeah the sex was great, mind-blowing in some case, but all the damn stress and drama that came after that was not worth it.

I need more time to evaluate her. Something I’ve come to realise is that not every “dime piece” is supposed to get the benefit/privilege of sex with me. Some of the finest looking women got real mental issues. Experience is the greatest teacher and I’ve been its most loyal student.

This girl appeared “normal” just like the psycho ones, you can never tell by looking. Since I’m not in my homeland, I just figured I’ll take a little more time and know her.

Psychos can’t hide it for too long; only the seriously troubled and professional ones can disguise their psycho behaviour until after that first orgasm.

So I did the unexpected and unthinkable and chose to wait a little. Good things come to those who wait, so I’m just crossing my fingers on this one.

footnotes:
I’m not gonna do a follow up about the sex when it happens.
I am not breaking any rules or hearts by having sex here, which is why I can post this blog for public consumption.

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