Is honesty the best policy in a relationship?

Let me answer the question in the title… Honesty is not even close to being the best policy in a relationship. Little boys need to lie all the time, but real men realize that anything in excess is a disaster and that includes telling the truth. Not every question should be answered honestly, because people often ask questions that they really don’t want an honest answer to. The concept that absolute honesty is the key to a relationship is madness.

 

But you may wonder what questions to answer honestly. OK, here are a few ideas about what questions we should respond to honestly…

 

Be honest about questions that may leave your partner embarrassed if you lie.

Your partner already has an idea if they look fat, or if the new hair color or style doesn’t really fit them. So if they ask a style/fashion related question, then by all means tell the truth. Spare them the embarrassment and potential ridicule of appearing in public looking like a huge “fashion  don’t”. Be honest without being cruel. Use “soft” language, instead of “that looks horrible”, say ” something else would highlight your assets better”. Lying here, will come back to haunt you when they discover you’re the only one who shared a positive comment

 

Be honest to questions that will boost their confidence

When she asks if you think some other girl is pretty, be honest. Say “Hell yes.”

Why be honest? Because she already knows you think the other woman is attractive. If you lie, she’ll come back with “I’m secure enough to hear if you find someone pretty… blah blah blah.” Telling her that other women are always attractive reminds her that you’re not some blind, “coochie-whipped”  puppy. It reminds her that you’re a man with options and you choose to be with her because she keeps her game up and her body good.

 

Honestly answer questions that attempt to remove your spine as a man

If you’re asked to skip “boys night out” so you can attend a baby shower, gently remind her that she can have a great time without you there. (go ahead and curse me, I can handle it). What about skipping your basketball/football game so that you can go shopping for her wardrobe? The answer is the same. These types of questions are laid out to slowly emasculate and dethrone you as a man with a mind of his own. Complying to these requests are steps in building what can and cannot be expected of you. You draw the line and remind her that you’re a man. Compliance is strongly recommended, but only in select cases. Compliance to these requests must be the exception and not the rule.

 

HERE’S SOME REAL “TRUTH”

Those who recommend complete honesty live in a fantasy land.

I read online that “Absolute truth is an absolute disaster”. I believe it.

Remember that only little boys lie all the time; REAL MEN hoist the banner of honesty high and let it fly from the castle of their heart.

 

FEEL FREE TO ADD ANY OTHER CATEGORIES OF QUESTIONS THAT SHOULD BE ANSWERED HONESTLY ALL THE TIME.

 

Disclaimer: I am not recommending lying consistently. I further advise that you do only those things that you can afford to be honest about in a relationship. If you’re going to do something that you would have to lie to your partner about, I STRONGLY SUGGEST THAT YOU DON’T DO IT!!!

 

Women and the cheating man

I have always maintained that ladies don’t always know what they want (go ahead and disagree, sue me if you want, lol). Anyway, my point is borne out by the consistent inconsistencies women apply to their position(s) on relationships. So many complain and curse men who cheat in relationships, but they stay with these men or worse – end the relationship and then take him back.

 

I have so many friends who have left their cheating men and then gone back. After speaking with most of them I got to thinking about why this could be… here are some of those ideas.

 

Beyonce –  crazy in love? –One of the most common things women say when they’re asked why they’re still in their cheating relationship is, “But I love him.” She’s hurt deeply by his actions, but she can’t deny that her strong feelings for him are causing her to lose sight of her previous position on a cheating man. She’s dropped anchor and decided that this ship aint leaving the dock. Yep, “love” has made her lose her mind.

 

 

Doesn’t want to lose the “big investment”

Building a relationship with someone is more than cementing emotional bonds. Sometimes it includes finances and time spent together (time is money). If she has built a business with him, leaving the relationship could risk her venture. She would rather work on the current relationship than cut her losses (which could include the business)

 

 

He’s the breadwinner/provider

Besides all the emotional entaglements, not having money can cause a woman to stay in a cheating relationship. How is she going to leave and start a new life on her own if she has been depending on him for financial stability? This issue keeps women, both gold diggers and non- gold diggers alike, in the relationship — even if they’re not in love with him anymore.

 

History and kids

Women tend to be more sentimental than men. If the relationship has spanned a few good years then those shared experiences are powerful and difficult to let go. If her boyfriend is a large part of her past, she could be dragging her feet to leave because it means throwing away what has been built over the past few years.

Staying with a man for the child/ren makes sense to many women. As a mother, she has people other than herself to consider, and she might hesitate at the idea of breaking up the family by leaving her boyfriend or husband.

 

 

Possessive of him or possessed by him?

Although he has hurt her deeply, she just can’t imagine being without him. She cringes at the thought of another woman getting to have him. It might not make sense to most of you and certainly me though. She’s so used to saying that he belongs to her, that she’s not quite ready to turn him into recycled goods for other women to enjoy. Staying with him is her way of marking and keeping her territory.

 

Low self-esteem

Women who don’t love or value themselves catch the cheater’s eye. If a woman doesn’t care about her self-worth, she’ll be quick to brush away his indiscretions, make excuses for him, and she won’t feel that she is wonderful enough to do better than him.

 

He wont do it again

This is just straight up naive and might i say DUMB. Her boyfriend betrayed her, but she believes that he will change. Many women can’t reconcile the image of a man who was with her 24/7, showering her with love with the man who’s in another woman’s bed.  So they think it’s possible their boyfriends will change their cheating ways and revert to the “good old days”.

 

LeAnn Rimes – How do Live without you

She’s been with him for years, building and focusing on a life together. Thinking about letting all that can make almost any woman fearful. . She’s probably worried about what her life will be like without him in it. Facing that uncertainty is often too scary of a prospect. She’d rather stick with him because, as difficult as it might be, it’s a comfort zone.

Casual sex vs. Relationship sex

SEX, we all love it (the people who are sexually active). Well, not all of us love sex. Sadly there are those among us for whom sex sucks and not in a good/orgasmic way.

Many things in life are relative, so we can have something good, but then there’s something that’s better. Is it the same way with sex? Casual sex is good, but committed sex is better, thats what some people think. I’m staying in the middle of the street on this one.

Moving right along… Let me compare the 2 and you can determine where you stand or lay.

Sex in a committed relationship

Scientists have discovered that the biochemical state of falling in love is similar to obsessive compulsive disorder (hmmmm, makes you wonder about some of your ‘crazy’ exes). The desire of couples to be together and learn about each other in intimate detail is tremendous.

They grab every opportunity to show affection and get as close as possible to one another.

During this period sex can be very exciting. There’s still some of the ‘mystery’ of casual sex and also some risk, but the difference is that sex is more mutual when people are “in love”.

When people are “in love”, it’s about giving and sharing themselves physically and emotionally. The sexual satisfaction delivered when people are in love often leads both parties to feel emotional fulfillment. Sex in a relationship becomes the ultimate act of intimacy.

Scientists say, however, the brain returns to normal after 6 to 18 months. It seems it’s not physically possible to stay in that manic state of obsession with a partner for much longer than that. At that point we either fall out of love or the relationship matures (take some time and think about your past/current relationship and see if that’s the case).

When a relationship matures, sex matures. You now have the advantage of knowing each other well. Fear of rejection is replaced with trust and security. This allows you to move into a stage of experimentation and mutual growth. You can take the time to fine-tune your skills as a lover.

 

Casual sex and why people love it

I don’t like the term “casual sex”, because I don’t think there’s anything casual about sex. The term ‘casual sex’ implies there’s no commitment to the other person. This doesn’t necessarily mean there’s no sense of responsibility or care. In a casual encounter you’re likely to focus on the here and now. You can enjoy the moment without much thought about what your partner thinks of you or what you think of them. Without the emotional complications of a relationship, you’re free to concentrate on physical satisfaction.

For many people, not being too familiar with the sex partner is the key to casual sex. They find the mystery exciting and, if there’s no chance of meeting again, inhibitions can be easily forgotten. You van take on a new identity and act out a secret fantasy with little fear of rejection.

Danger is  sometimes a part of casual sex. There’s a sense of being naughty, of tasting the forbidden fruit or someone else’s property. Some people enhance their sexual encounters by choosing public places or partners they feel should be off-limits.

As children/youths we’re told that casual sex is wrong, what’s more exciting than doing something wrong?). Others have been left with a fear of intimacy by their experiences in committed relationships and “casual sex” is just the path they choose.

When we take risks and feel fear, the body  is stimulated. Breathing becomes faster, blood pressure rises and adrenalin is released. Our body enters a state of high alert. If you add sexual messages at this point, the body will respond faster. It’s a straight up thrill.

 

So, which one is better?

Sex can be exciting whether or not you’re in love, and at any stage of a relationship. I believe sex in a loving relationship offers an opportunity to grow together and become great lovers. It may not be possible to recapture the mystery of casual sex but there’s a much higher chance of all-round fulfillment.

 

Casual sex and long-term love

  • Casual sex has risk, mystery, urgency and focus on physical satisfaction.
  • Long-term relationship provides knowledge, trust, skill, experimentation and focus on deepening physical and emotional satisfaction?

 

DID YOU KNOW: When you kiss you release dopamine, a chemical thought to be important for sexual arousal. A sense of risk can heighten arousal and sexual responsiveness.

 

Ending your (Friends With Benefits) relationship

Well, since I wrote about how to go about starting a FWB r’ship, it would be useful to know how to end it, so here goes.

Many good things must come to an end. It is important to recognise when a good thing has (to) come to an end. Ending relationships of any type is not usually an easy task nor is it pleasant. Think it through carefully before making that final decision. Breaking a relationship off is painful, especially for the person being dumped. Respect their feelings and don’t go trying to damage them.

Now let’s just call a spade a spade, there are 2 parties here, the “dumper” and the “dumpee”. You figure it out. Below, I’ve listed a few ideas/strategies in making that final decision.

Be sure you want to end the relationship. Don’t use the threat of ending it as a manipulative tool. If you say it, back it up with the action. Discuss problems openly and directly with your FWB/partner before you make up your mind. Dont suffer in silence, if you have an issue, talk about it.

Think calmly and rationally when making your decision. That’s self explanatory. Dont make a decision while you’re angry or highly emotional

Get advice or a second opinion. Get input from trusted friends. If your parents are sensible people and you can trust their logic, they should have great insight.

Timing is everything.Pick a time and place that will allow you both to have privacy. Don’t break up with someone right before they have a big test or are about to go to work. Most people choose weekends to allow the “dumpee” a chance to drown their sorrows.

Plan what happens next. Be polite but firm about the boundaries that will determine how you interact after the ‘break-up’. Make the boundaries non-negotiable.  Do not cut them off without a chance to discuss what went wrong unless they become hysterical or unresponsive. If that’s the case then decide to continue the next day. Make it a valuable experience by learning and growing from it.

Learn from Nike – Just Do it! Don’t be wishy washy, thinking to let the other person down “easy.” Hold strong, you have already made your decision. Don’t draw it out. Ending a relationship on the phone is acceptable and even recommended in some cases. If the ‘dumpee’/ex is prone to outbursts or violence the phone is much safer and prevents the dumpee from the embarrassment of having you watch their torment. Also prevents you from being ripped to shreds or getting hit with a blunt instrument.

Prepare for the worst. The dumpee will typically react with anger or with wonder, shock, panic. If they respond with anger, try to remain calm and attempt to calm them. Don’t immediately hang up or walk away. If there are questions, give honest and direct answers. Lying will only frustrate your them. If you can’t answer the questions, be honest and ask for a little time before you answer. Make an appointment to answer their questions. Note: The more shocking this break-up is, the more extreme the reaction is likely to be. Prepare to allow your former lover to react as a normal human being.

Know when to walk away. Don’t beat a dead horse endlessly. When discussions become circular – in other words, you just travel around and around the same points without coming to a point of resolution – STOP.

Don’t try to be friends – just remain civil. You were friends before the sex and involvement, but now it’s over. Being “chummy” with each other makes it difficult, especially right after the break up. All you need to do is remain mannerly and courteous when you see each other. The friendship will return eventually after healing has begun, or destiny will determine if there’s to be a friendship.

General tips

– Don’t raise your voice, even if the other person begins to yell.

– Comfort the person if he or she needs it, but don’t take this too far!

– Don’t make a long list of reasons as to why you are dumping him/her. Really analyze your reason for leaving, and boil it down to the essential problem:

– Don’t wait until after sex to break up with someone. It’s hurtful and very selfish.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

This is a Facebook note by Garth Williams on Sunday, 10 August 2008…

The following is merely advice I’m sharing in response to a question a friend asked me. Warning, it’s a bit long, so make sure u have the 7 minutes it will take you to read thru it.

So what exactly is a “friend with benefits?” A friend with benefits is someone you get to have sex with, no strings attached. There’s no expensive dinners, no roses and no being home on time required. It is a mutually beneficial relationship with a friend or acquaintance where you don’t get to take them out on a date, but you get to call them at 1 a.m. when the police “lock off di dance” to see if they want to hook up.

Unfortunately, old sexual standards ensure that the friends-with-benefits choice isn’t really yours at the end of the day. The woman, as usual, gets to call the shots. All a man can do is make sure she knows that you’re willing, ready and able. Please make sure that you’re straightforward about your desire to be friends with benefits.

The rules of being friends with benefits must be agreed on by both of you, because if one of you isn’t getting what you want, it’s worthless. If one of you starts to have feelings for the other — well you can deal with that when and if the time comes, but remember there are many things to consider when approaching a potential friend for benefits.

How to get a friend with benefits?

Friends with benefits are sometimes very hard to find. This is because it takes an open and sexual person who is in a particular stage of their life to be up for it. You get to have a friend with benefits by asking for it indirectly – subtlety is the key.

When you think that you have met a suitable ”friend,” find out where she is in her life. Lack of appropriate relationship material or a recent break up, a career, or simply enjoying her freedom are all reasons why she may want to become friends with benefits and avoid the ”I love you” disclaimer/fine print.

The conversations that you have with her should be about being single and how you both find it as well as her positions on sex, relationships (and the typical drama that comes with them). It should be fairly easy to tell if she is open about sex, if she misses gettin laid and if she is up for some company.

Tell her about yourself, in charming, but not uncertain terms. Ensure that she knows you are definitely not looking for a girlfriend. So, now that you know where you each stand, and if she finds you attractive, you should “get some”soon. Don’t forget to compliment her. Basically, you want to take her home and show her what she would be missing out on if she didn’t see you again.

You can’t force this relationship; it will either happen on its own or it won’t. It isn’t something you can trick her into. It’s a mutual decision that’s made over the course of weeks or months. When you do start sleeping together, you’ll both know that it is what it is and it will simply continue. The difference between a friend with benefits and a one-night stand are those magic words “I don’t want a girlfriend/boyfriend,”. As long as that is crystal clear, nothing much can go wrong.

Do’s and Don’ts

– Don’t come across like a desperate horny male, there are enough of us in the world, lol.
– She wants someone who knows what he wants, is sure of himself and knows his way around the female body.
– Having a nice personality is important, especially if you are going to occasionally wake up next to each other
– Don’t kick her out before breakfast. Exercise good sexual and social etiquette.
– Treat her like an equal, not like a piece of meat. She still deserves your respect
– Impress her just like you would any other woman, but impress her in different ways.
– Don’t complain about how horny you are, it comes across as crass. Crass men are renowned as being the ones who aren’t that good in bed, and don’t know how to treat a woman.
– Don’t treat a friend-with-benefits relationship as a cheap commodity, but enjoy and cherish it for what it is.
– Don’t sleep with who has told you that they are looking for Mr Right. You are not him, so don’t use her.

The Downside

There are some obvious potential complications to having a friend with benefits. The first is that one of you will start having a crush and the other won’t. The inclusion of serious romantic feelings beyond the general affection and attraction you will both feel for each other is a problematic. And it isn’t always the ladies who fall head over heels either, lol. It can get complicated quickly.

The other major problem is the crossing of boundaries. You don’t want her calling you at lunchtime. You don’t want an invite to her mother’s birthday bash. You don’t want to go to the new restaurant downtown or the new hotel on the north coast (unless it’s Hedonism 4, lol).

You do, however, want to call her at 1 a.m. if you are in the neighborhood and you want her to do the same. You do want her to spend a Friday night in bed with you, if she hasn’t received a better offer. It takes a decent pair of people to make this work.

Consider the following…

Is there anyone who will have a problem with it? it’s good to be thoughtful of the people around you and how your behavior affects them. Since you are both free to sleep with whomever you choose, it is important to protect yourselves. Do you want the mother of your firstborn to be with your friend with benefits? STD’s aren’t pleasant either, so keep them to yourself please. It would also be helpful not to sleep with anyone she knows; you still need to have some standards of human decency. Even if she presumes you are sleeping with other women, she doesn’t want to hear about it.

You can have a tremendously satisfying sexual relationship and friendship, with lots of affection, good sex and a laugh. It doesn’t have to be with an ”easy” woman, and you don’t have to act like gods gift or a ”player” — just act like a person.

Be yourself and enjoy not having to act like an idiot to try to score a girlfriend. Fortunately, she doesn’t have to worry if you would make a good father or if you do housework. The friend-with-benefits relationship relieves you both of the burden of finding the right partner and you can just enjoy each other as is.

NOTICING WOMEN

Intro aka sad truth

Men can get away with rolling out of bed, throwing on some semi-clean clothes and doing a bit of minor grooming. Women spend a ton of time and money on their appearance. They dress and groom to feel good about themselves, but the idea of being attractive to men is never far from their minds either.

Unfortunately, a lady’s efforts are often overlooked. We appreciate the look as a whole, but don’t notice the little things that go into it.

Her shoes

A woman’s posture changes when she is wearing high heels. They make her legs look longer, highlight her behind and re-angle her torso. It also helps everybody seems to have  a shoe fetish, because  men and women to view the high heel as sexy and alluring. Wearing high heels is one thing women definitely do for the benefit of men, since they’re usually not the most comfortable choice in footwear. A woman’s feet and purse suffer for the cause of great shoes.

Her sense of humour

Most people put “a good sense of humor” pretty high on the list of qualities they would like in a significant other. So, when she tells a particularly amusing joke or keeps your friends laughing, make sure you acknowledge it. This could be as easy as saying, “My friends thought you were a lot of fun,” or just laughing genuinely when she shows off her comedic timing.

That she smells different

The next thing she wants you to notice is her scent. Scent is a very important aspect of attraction and there’s a good chance that the way she smells was part of what drew you to her in the first place. Women usually pay close attention to the way they smell(and the way you smell too). Finding the right balance of perfume, lotion and other scented products is an art women have virtually mastered. When she changes her signature scent in a significant way, she wants you to notice. Close your eyes, lean in and say, “You smell great. Are you wearing something different?”

That she cleaned up the place

This is one of those cases where a direct, enthusiastic comment is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. it’s something she wants you to notice. If she has worked all day straightening up the living space (YOUR, HERS OR SHARED). Make a point of saying, “Wow, it’s spotless in here!” If it is your own apartment that she has cleaned, offering a foot rub would be extremely appropriate.

That she’s been working out

Whether her goal is to lose weight, get toned, build muscle, or just to look and feel healthier, you should support her commitment to working out and going to the gym. When you start seeing the results you should definitely compliment her on it. Telling her that her body looks great could be an excellent aphrodisiac for her, which is a bonus for you.

That she got waxed/shaved

Waxing hurts and shaving can be somewhat inconvenient. No matter how cool she tries to be about it, it is a tremendously unpleasant experience from beginning to end, waxing that is. A woman wouldn’t go through the trouble and pain of getting her body hair waxed for herself. It is, in fact, an act women only do to please men. Reward her by touching her smooth, soft skin often and providing plenty of oral sex (if thats your thing).

That she has a new hairstyle

Women do a remarkable number of things to perfect and maintain their hair — cutting, styling, dyeing, curling, straightening, teasing, back-combing, relaxing, etc. — and they do a lot of it in order to appear attractive to men. Noticing any major change in her hair, whether it’s the style, cut or color, is essential to remaining in her good books. A simple, “Your hair looks great!” is good enough.

Her new lingerie

Telling men to notice a woman’s lingerie may seem like a no-brainer, but there is a difference between vaguely registering that she is wearing lingerie before swiftly removing it and taking some time to appreciate the look and feel of the skimpy number she has donned just for you.

In closing…

If you want to really impress her, check her out and pay attention to her appearance, behavior and efforts. Not all of them require a direct comment, but some kind of reaction is warranted to let her know you appreciate all the elements that make her a fabulous wife/fiancée/matey/girlfriend/lover.

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