Bun and the married woman

ImageI watched a programme on CNN recently which noted some research carried out by relationship experts in the United States about rates of infidelity (bun) among married couples. It showed infidelity ranging from 30-60 percent of women compared to 50-70 percent of men. The researchers also noted that the gap is closing. Sadly, I don’t know what the statistics are among Jamaican couples, but I’m willing to bet that the figures won’t vary much

Since most people resign to taking the apathetic view of men – all men are dogs and therefore will cheat – the new questions is why then do so many women take secret lovers?

Women’s choice to cheat is, in some cases, daring or desperate; in other cases it’s both. A desperate plea for help and a daring means for change in their marriage or their own selves. The extramarital affair is serious stuff and not just fun.

I’ve noticed this infidelity as an increasing trend among my married female friends. Since I’m still waiting my turn to walk the aisle I thought it would be wise to note what their reasons are so I can avoid givng my wife-to-be any reason to ‘share’ herself with anyone but me.

My discussions proved 1 basic, simple truth – that women have secret lovers primarily because they’re not getting their needs and desires met in their marriages. Try as they may, wives are often unable to reach their husbands.

Why cheat?
Feeling stifled, unfulfilled, frustrated, and helpless in their marriages, they step outside of their marriages. Taking the step is in itself empowering. The affair is a daring active choice, not the usual passive response. It brazenly screams out loudly “Enough is enough! Something’s got to give, either the marriage or me.” That’s only the first step to independence and power.

Not all wives in unfulfilling marriages go the route of infidelity; some take the honourable decision to seek counseling with the hubby to get things addressed (hopefully solved). It takes a daring wife to have an affair but an even more daring wife to recommend (and attend) therapy to repair the marriage or repair themselves.

Oh Lord, the children…
What about the children? People often stay in unsatisfactory marriages for the sake of the children. It is a huge mistake. Parents in miserable marriages only make for miserable children. The legacies for these children are flawed concepts/models of marital relationships, and unfulfilled, powerless mothers. The affair, while not necessarily the most sensible choice, is nevertheless an act of empowerment. Instead of a weak, dependent or resentful mother, the children now have a stronger, more independent, and fulfilled female role model.

What’s the affair about?
A common belief is that the affair is about sex. It is not. For the most part, sex was better at home before romance eroded. Screaming fights or silent seething hostility depletes romance and extinguishes the ‘flames of passion’. In chatting with my female friends I discovered that problems in their sex life were not about the quality, but the quantity. Fighting to the death or suffering in silence kills sexual desire for most wives. And there’s less and less sex in the marriage.

It therefore left me wondering – If insufficient sex is the result of unsatisfactory marriages and affairs the result of unhappy marriages, what are the causes? What do wives want? Not only do they want emotional commitment, sexual passion, safety, protection and independence; all wives want mutuality, equal power relationships, and recognition from their husbands. Devotion, love, and commitment without passionate sex, fun, and excitement is the “steak without the sizzle”. For wives to feel sexy they need the sizzle.

Wanna be a dad? – Think about it

The choice of whether to have children is probably the most important one of any man’s life. Truth is if you marry the wrong person, you can get a divorce. If you enter the wrong career you can resign, retool and try something else. If you move into the wrong neighborhood, you can relocate. A child, on the other hand, is your responsibility for the next eighteen years (minimum), and on some levels for the rest of your life.

Without any research into the matter I think I’d be right to guess that many men don’t pay attention to natural signs that tell them whether or not fatherhood is the choice for them, and then when they find themselves a father-to-be, they have to quickly get into that mindset.

Truth is, as men we should consider whether we want to become a parent before it’s ‘suddenly’ thrust upon us. Here are some things to consider when wrapping your mind around whether you want to be a dad…

Image
Me and lil ms sunshine

Time and money
Experts now estimate that raising a child to age 21 could cost in the region of US$313,500 (J$27.5M) as well as at least eight hours of your day. Think it through carefully because you’d rather be relishing your role as dad rather than resenting it

Teaching the lil ones
Personally I love teaching children and bouncing ideas off them. It’s rewarding when you see/hear them sharing the knowledge they’ve acquired. What about a special needs child? I guess I would have adapted to the reality and embraced that challenge; it surely would be a lesson to me in patience and greater parenting. Children require constant guidance and attention, if you can’t see yourself providing that then there’s a red flag.

Enjoying children’s activities
Despite the ‘big people’ responses kids give to situations they’re not ‘big people’. They still want to watch cartoons, play with toys, dirt and other children (play dates). As a dad the times will come when you’ll have to be the overseer for these ‘fun times’. I’ve learned to enjoy them; otherwise I’d have been a miserable, mad-man by now lol.

Noise, clutter and flexibility
Newborns cry, a lot and in the most inappropriate places. Children in general cry a lot and leave a mess everywhere. Yeah, sure you can train them to become neater but until then clutter becomes a daily sight. I mentioned flexibility because two dreaded words no parent wants to hear are ‘medical emergencies’. Your plans (and sometimes sleep) are subject to be thrown through the window when the lil one needs to be rushed to a doc or an ER.

Parenting means being a doctor, nurse, event planner, tutor, chauffer, bail bondsman (hopefully not lol), chaperone, and etiquette instructor-to someone who can be obnoxious and disrespectful. Kids start life being noisy and messy, and dinnertime in most homes with children is no adult-sanctuary! Having a child means giving up quiet, tidy meals and having spilled milk to attend to on a routine basis.

Maybe being a parent aint for you
If your biggest dream is to be adventurous like the ‘Dos Equis world’s most interesting man’ where he is his only responsibility then by all means go get ‘em maverick – leave parenting out of it. If your hobbies require lotsa time and money and you don’t like sacrificing those hobbies for anything or anyone then probably forget parenting.

You have to always be a positive role model for your child. Being a parent doesn’t mean being a best friend. Surely there must be a level of friendship developed so the lil one can confide in you and ask your advice, but always remember you’re there to raise your child so that he can go out into the world as a responsible, independent adult.

Don’t forget that parenting is an option (unless you’ve already created the child), and once you’re there, you can’t back out. Many young people today are making the decision to not become parents, but to instead focus their time and energy on other pursuits.

It’s a serious job, and most parents would agree that it’s a very challenging job. I hear more and more parents admitting that they wish they’d thought it through more carefully, because they are not feeling fulfilled with their role as parent.

Parenting is truly life-altering, and the critical point is that you don’t want to find yourself having regrets, and not being able to change the course of your life.

Self confidence – is it what women want?

The question of what women want has been with us since God (if you’re religiously inclined) created women. I doubt even God could tell us what women want, and no I’m not being blasphemous. Don’t you think he would have revealed it to some ‘holy man’ by now? … Moving on

I’ve observed and interacted with thousands of women (I’m not boasting or exaggerating) over the years. These interactions have taken on various kinds, but I have always sought to learn something new about them every time. So below, I’ve just put forward something for us all to consider.

I don’t know if the question will be answered at the end, but I do hope to provoke thought and promote further discourse on the matter.

Self esteem/Self confidence and materialism
I live in an age and an era where the media bombards us with sexually charged images. Nude or semi-nude woman parade across our magazines, TV series, commercials, movies, mobile phones and oh yes, who can forget porn available everywhere.

So we’re now in an environment where as a man I’m sexually stimulated everyday, but the girls/women aren’t necessarily any easier to come by than say 10 years ago when I was just starting university.

The truth is though that the sexual messages in media tend to frustrate many men and may even lower their self esteem. Probably because the women seem ‘easy’ in the ads etc. but tend to be a little more difficult to break down in reality. The girls in the ads and movies are ‘hot and sexy’. The real-life hot and sexy girls don’t come so easily, so there’s all this temptation in the flesh, but they can’t get the flesh they want to come home with them. Many men either lower their standards and go for more “available flesh” or try using money or material things to lure the flesh home. *geez, don’t i sound callous*

The end result is often than many men just view women as sex objects and some even get hostile towards women when their sexual advances are declined.

Materialism and erosion of self esteem
These days we are ‘defined’ by what we buy or own. The food you eat or drinks you have are supposed to ‘express’ who you are as an individual. Think about it, who would you be more attracted to a sardine eater or a lobster eater? Would you go for someone taking a bus or someone who’s driven around in a luxury vehicle? *for the men, if you could have Beyonce, would you take Solange? If you don’t know who Solange is, do a google search*

Anyhow, studies consistently show that most women aren’t impressed by what men drink or drive. I wonder if women lie on these surveys, lol. The stats exist, so we just have to work with them

In this consumer/market driven global economy (capitalism) men who are self confident and don’t have to dance to the “beat of the drum of the world” are often not highlighted or should I say ‘popular’. You see, in this capitalist existence large companies want a society of wimps and ‘lackies’ who are easily swept by any wave which spews from their respective marketing/PR departments. These corporations profit off people’s (men’s) low self esteem.

I think the advertising strategies are aimed at increasing materialism and insecurity so that the audience (particularly men) will conform to whatever ‘values’ a company or campaign seek to instill. We’re told that we “deserve the best” (meaning whatever the company is selling). “The best” is often advertised to us as something which is accompanied by beautiful young women.

Let me just say that it’s natural for most of us guys to seek beautiful women, but if our self worth depends on how the wife/girlfriend looks then she’s gonna leave pretty fast.

No matter how beautiful/attractive a woman may think/know she is I personally believe that no woman wants to be valued solely for her ability to boost a mans ego or enhance his self esteem.

Sad truths
Self esteem or self confidence in men tends to decline as more and more women earn the same incomes as men do. I’ve heard it in barber shops and bars – I mean, where else to get the real pulse of my gender, right? lol

Another sad truth is that lotsa men assume that money is the key to attracting women and even get depressed because they are not rich/wealthy.

Learn this my brothers, and I am unapologetic about it, women who are ONLY attracted to men because of their wealth are whores. They don’t want a man or a relationship, they want the money. Basically they’re doing a job – the oldest profession in the world aka prostitution!

Research backed by statistics show that real women (meaning not whores) are engineered biologically to be attracted to men who have self confidence and not afraid to take risks. However, these biological inclinations sometimes become eroded by societal pressures influenced by capitalism (money and advertising).

I still believe that a real woman (the one who would make an excellent wife or girlfriend) wants a man who is self confident, purposeful, driven and adventurous.

As a man I implore you to seek for these women and leave the whores be.

Having money in your wallet or bank account isn’t what attracts the type of woman who will make a good wife/girlfriend. Those women know that fortunes are won and lost but men with self-confidence bounce back.

Those women won’t leave you when the economy crashes or if you lose your job. That’s why it’s self-confidence and not financial assets is what real women want.

Think on these things.

*I’m sure the list of things women seek in a mate goes further than self confidence, but with that quality so many other things can develop*

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We just had sex, now what?

We just had sex, now what? That’s a question which always pops up the first time you have sex with someone new.

Men and women tend to answer this question differently, but since I’m a man this blog shall be testosterone-driven.

Now the next thing to consider when answering this question is if it’s a fling (1-night stand), the possible start of a relationship or a “friends with (sexual) benefits” situation.

Before I go any further, let me just say that the key to making the response simple and comfortable is to communicate clearly and openly. Don’t play games and lie. Just be real and in being real be prepared to accept a dose of reality from the other party.

Now let’s move on…

The start of a relationship
So there we are, laying  beside each other. We’ve gone out a few times, flirted alot and skirted around the issue of our sexual attraction to each other and the desire to make our association more than just sexual. We’ve pretty much decided that we want it to last.

Now while laying there a million questions go through a man’s mind (my mind)… Did she cum? Did she really enjoy it? Did she want me to last longer? Should I cuddle her? Do I go to the bathroom? Does she want a ‘2nd round’ now? When should I leave or when would be a good time to take her home? … the questions go on and on.

Right after the first time can always be a little weird/awkward regardless of how long you’ve known each other or have been going out together. No matter how much sexual experience you’ve had before this, it’s always a  bit weird right after sleeping with someone new, I think it’s your most vulnerable point.

Well, as long as you know what this woman means to you all you gotta do is just relax. Since you both like each other and you’re thinking of cementing a relationship then the sex is only likely to get better. As you both get to know each other better, the lines of communication about sex will open up and you’ll learn how to please each other completely.

I recommend that the conversation about the sex not occur immediately after the sex while you lay there. Offer her a drink (even if it’s water lol) and it doesn’t matter if it’s her place and you’re the visitor. Touch her, smile with her, make her feel comfortable, show you care, give her a little kiss. Comment on something general, strike up a conversation, after all you have been out for a while so you should know how to engage her mind.

Maybe the conversation about the sex may come up shortly after, but I usually recommend saving it for the next day and preferably not over the phone or on instant messenger, do it face to face. Let me just point out that if you blew her mind she’ll be likely to immediately start talking about what you did.

“Jesus christ, I’ve never had anybody do me like that. I’m still shaking, where the f–k did you learn to do that?” Those are usually good opening lines to hear from her. If that’s what she’s saying then awkwardness goes right through the window.

Beyond that point then it’s all good, because now the lines of communication for sex are open and that’s always good. My only other bit of advice is that make sure you don’t screw up the relationship (that’s a topic for another blog).

1 night stand / ‘friends with (sexual) benefits’
This is where that moment after sex tends to be most awkward.  As a man, I think it’s easier for us to manage how we feel afterwards. The point here though is to not let the woman feel like a whore afterwards. Someone might be asking now, “what if she’s a whore?” It doesn’t matter if you’re her first lover or her 91st, never let a woman feel like a whore after sex.

Let me reiterate the point about communication. Make sure that before you and her end up in the sack together that it’s clear what’s going to happen. Are you going to spend the night together or will one of you be going back to your respective homes at what ever hour it is when it’s all done.

You both need to establish that neither of you are looking for a relationship right now, so the sex is just the manifestation of sexual attraction between you both.

Now let me just say that many men don’t want to be honest with women about the fact that it’s just sex that they want right now. If you lead a woman to believe you want more than just sex she’s is gonna be pissed when she discovers the truth.

This deception men execute over the years is part of the reason women don’t trust us. When you lie or cheat on a woman you fuck it up for honest/well-intentioned men. Bottom line, don’t lie to get some pussy. Just tell her the truth in a decent/tactful way and let her decide if she’s gonna lay with you.

Moving on… So given that you both know it’s a fling for a night or ‘regular fling’ and also you’ve determine what’s going to happen afterwards then it’s easy to answer the “now what?”

Don’t immediately get dressed and leave or ask her to get out right away. Take a little time, maybe a few minutes. You may want to express that you had a great evening and you enjoyed her company. Be mannerly/courteous, after all you may want to “hit it” again.

Conditions apply
This blog was written on the assumption that the first sex happened at your home or hers. Further it is assumed you live alone or have full control of who you entertain and can “do as you please”.

The dynamics are a little different if it occurs outdoors, in a club, at a party, at a hotel/motel or some “unconventional location”.

If one or both of you are cheating, that also impacts what happens after.

The quality of the sex significantly impacts what’s next. The assumption for this blog is that the sex was good (at least a 6.5 out of 10)


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Irrational behaviour – falling in love

Having been somewhat familiar with love of varying types over the years, I thought I might as well try to understand it. I’ve come up with little, lol.

It is a topic with which everyone is familiar; but we all have various views on its meaning, purpose and manifestation/expression.

I’ve shared various views on the matter but this time I chose to research it a little deeper, came across two helpful authors – Anthropologist Helen Fisher and Evolutionary Biologist Richard Dawkins.

Fisher, in her book – Why We Love, suggests that romantic love is insane because of what it strictly requires/expects – devotion to 1 and only 1.

As a man I tend to agree with her. If I know 100 women and fall in love with only 1, how would I really know how ‘lovable’ the others are? How could I make an “informed choice”?

Ideally, humans should be given the opportunity to explore, investigate and keep options open.

When people are in love they speak of their beloved like they’re the best person in the world, only to be proven wrong later( in some cases). When in love we tend to “put all our eggs in one basket”, when I was a child I learned this was a dangerous practice.

Often times the only person you can compare the current beloved to is a horrible ex. Proving that quite often we make romantic errors and execute poor judgement when “in love”. We shouldn’t have put them on a pedestal.

Fisher further suggests that while we have become susceptible to monogamous love, ‘polyamory’ might be a more RATIONAL approach.

Polyamory is the belief that one can simultaneously lover several members of the opposite sex, just as one can love more than one wine, composer, book or sport.

Think about it, we all accept that we can love more than one child, parent, sibling, teacher, friend or pet. So don’t you find it a bit weird that we ‘expect’ romantic love to be exclusive?

Dawkins highlights that work done by Fisher and others, has shown that “being in love is accompanied by unique brain states, including the presence of neurally active  chemicals (natural drugs) that are highly specific and characteristic of the state” of being in love.

Dawkins explains from a Darwinian point of view that maybe monogamous love spurred from a need to protect the species via co-parenting for the raising of a family.

Essentially, a very important task humans try to accomplish is choosing one good partner for all sorts of reasons. But once the choice is made and a child conceived, then it is more important to stick with that one choice at least until the child is weaned. Many times people stay together “for the kids” after the love has long gone. We’ve seen or heard of how terrible that can be.

Any route or explanation you choose, whether Fisher or Dawkins, it’s clear that being in love constitutes irrational behaviour – doesn’t make sense. It lacks logic.

Further, let’s think of crimes of passion or the severe depression which comes as the result of having one’s heart broken when in love.

Not every human brain is suited for being in love.

But what of the beauty and the indescribable experience of being in love, you might ask. Indeed it is a beautiful thing, but my experience has taught me that it is all a big risk.

Taking a risk like that is irrational, yet we still do it.

I know my fate is to join my ancestors in irrationality and say like the poet Alfred Lord Tennyson…

In Memoriam 27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.



Have you ever been in love?

Recently while on Facebook I came across a poem written by Natalie Anguine. It dealt with the matter of being in love and how it can hurt. Give it a  read and share your feedback…

Natalie Anguine - poet

Have you ever fallen in love, but know they didn’t care?
Have you ever felt like crying, but knew it would get you nowhere?
Have you ever watched them walk away, not wanting them to go?
And whispered, “I love you” softly… not wanting them to know?
You cried all night in misery and almost went insane,
There’s nothing in this world that causes so much pain.
If I could choose between death and love, I think I’d rather die.
Love is fun, it hurts too much and the price you pay is high.
So, I say, don’t fall in love, you’ll be hurt before it’s through.
You see my friend, I ought to know, I fell in love too.

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Mindless money-making machines

Why are we here? I’ve always wished to receive enough wisdom to answer that question.

I posed this question to a wide variety of persons and we all came down to the most common and obvious purpose – to make money and die.

“Two things in life are sure – taxation and death” – Anonymous

Sounds morbid I know, but give it some serious thought.

Virtually everything on the planet revolves around money, even religion, but I’ll get into that in another blog.

Mindless money-making machines is what many humans have become – slaves to money.

Journey with me for a moment, because this starts at birth. As a boy, my parents, teachers and those ‘set in authority over me’ said the same thing: “Go to school and do well so you can get a degree (or 2 or 3) so you can get a good job so you can make a good living.”

What does a ‘good living’ mean? I’m sure we can all agree that it simply means being able to afford all the things you need to be comfortable while saving MONEY so you can retire in comfort.

I recall how most parents wanted their children to study and follow ‘traditional careers’ like Law, Architecture, Medicine, Banking, Finance etc. The reason behind this was simple, people who practice in the above mentioned fields “mek money”.

When I told my mother I was turning my back on the sciences to pursue media career her first question was, “Garth, can you make  money in media?”

My reply was simply, “Mommy, I’m not doing it because of the money. It’s what I love.” It never went down well initially, but eventually she supported my decision.

Money was the motivating factor behind many lessons our parents taught us and even the way they brought us up. If you got an ‘allowance’ or ‘pocket money’ from relatives when you got to a particular age it became tied to some element of work.

Do your chores on time and without murmur then your wages, oops I mean ‘pocket money’, was guaranteed. Get good grades in school and you get a bonus. The lesson parents were teaching is that you must work hard for what you want. While that principle is honourable, it was subliminally securing our allegiance to the ‘MASTER’ – MONEY.

Like little drones we’re brought up in a world where working for money and acquiring more wealth than others around you is riveted and wired into our brains and it sticks with us ’til death.

Let’s fast-forward to where you are now in life. Whether you’re employed/unemployed, if money is not the #1 thought on your mind, it’s in the top 3. By the way, anything that’s above money on that list is still directly linked to money (there may only be a few exceptions, none of which I can think of anyway)

Virtually everything you do or think of doing is has a financial cost which you consider before taking the next step.

Think about it, we do it all for the money; if not for yourself, probably for your children or other members of your family.

Let ‘s think about something else – debt/credit

Our banking/financial system depends heavily on having people/organisations/countries in debt and that’s a sad way to live. Essentially what it does is create slaves.

Slaves have no rights.  Slaves are controlled by another.  Slaves are obligated to do as they are told. So maybe we have rights, but we surely are controlled by money.

Are you a slave to money? Think about it for a moment.

It’s not just the “paper chase” or pursuit of acquiring lots of wealth that make money our master. If you’re currently in a position where you’re struggling to pay off debt which never seems to go away, that makes money your master. If your life is currently leaving you with very little wiggle room because of stringent financial arrangements, money is your master.

We often get caught up by persuasive advertising campaigns which push easy credit and a mentality that you can have anything you want almost instantly, this is a route to making money become your master.

We are its slaves because so many people  have no choice but to work extra hours to pay for all the ‘luxuries’ they have consumed, or ‘making ends meet’ and who can forget a pesky lil thing called cost of living.

Utilities, gas prices, rent or excessive monthly payments on a huge mortgage leave precious little breathing room in the budget.  The list could go on, but I won’t depress you or myself any further.

If we have wedged ourselves into a financial corner where the banks dictate to us where our money goes each pay cheque, then we are under money’s control.

When money problems act as a constraint, yes, it has become our master.

This blog is just to provoke thought… Let me know what you think

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Why “Joe Grind” can’t marry her

For those of you who know me, Garth’s no angel #NewsFlash . On occasion I’ve been called upon to play various roles with the ladies… boyfriend, lover, man, best-friend, confidante, counselor and, of course, “joe grind”.

If you’re unfamiliar with the phrase “joe grind”, let me quickly share.

Mr. Joseph P. Grind is the gentleman responsible for “fitting in” where boyfriends/husbands are absent or shirking responsibility. He is an “upstanding” citizen and a man who’s “firm” beliefs women ‘open up’ to. He’s a man who knows that sorrow endureth for a night, but “joy cometh in the morning” and he gladly ‘spreads joy’ too.  *replace ‘joy’ with any female name u desire*

Joe Grind is the man on the side. He’s never seen by the husband/boyfriend but he knows who the husband/boyfriend is. He may not even be listed as a contact in her phone nor on facebook. For all intents and purposes he is a phantom except when it’s time for action.

He watches as her relationship/marriage progresses. Joe listens as she express her disappointments with the relationship she’s in, but at no point does Joe want her to leave; because if she leaves then… *dramatic theme* … she’s likely to want more of Joe, and he cannot have that.

You see, when a Joe has an affair with a woman, he rarely ever thinks of  of making it permanent. There are exceptions.

Sadly, there are some Joes who see themselves as the man she should have been with in the first place.  Joe, in this case, now sees himself as her ‘knight in shining armour’, come to rescue the damsel in distress. I got 2 words for ya pal – BIG MISTAKE!

Statistics and Trust
I read somewhere online that only 1 in 10 relationships which start from affairs actually last. It’s just not gonna happen, or let me say unlikely to last.

There’s no need to bust your brain trying to figure the reason. It’s one very simple thing – TRUST or should I say the lack thereof. “Trust is like an egg, once it’s broken it can never be the same” – Anonymous (aka. I don’t remember who)

You witnessed and helped her “break an egg”. Remember now, you both started off by cheating. Hey Joe, if she cheated on her last boyfriend and then left him for you, what guarantee do you really have that you won’t end up in the same position? I can answer that for you – NONE, zero, zilch, nada!

Natural instincts
Think about yourself as a man, you really aren’t engineered for monogamy, especially after playing the role of Joe for a while.

Try this for a dose of truth: human beings are evolved for sexual living which features multiple simultaneous sexual relationships. Men, especially, are designed by evolution to be attracted to sexual novelty and to gradually lose sexual attraction to the same partner in the absence of such novelty.

It’s called the “Coolidge Effect” (google it) and it’s well demonstrated in social mammals of all sorts. Yes, I know a thing or two about reproductive biology.

“See me and live with me, 2 different things”
Remember this, playing the role of Joe is quite different from being husband/boyfriend. There are bad sides of her you won’t experience because you are Joe, only a husband/boyfriend would be exposed to those things. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

Responsible action
As I close, I must do the honourable thing. I don’t want to leave you with the wrong impression of me (might be too late, but what the heck)

If you’re currently cheating on your partner, please recognise that this action is unfair to them and yourself. Stop living a lie. Be strong, be bold and invite your partner to sit with you and evaluate the relationship.

Suspend the cheating until you have resolved the issues you both face in the relationship, or at least discussed them fully. Sadly, it may be necessary to end the relationship.

I guarantee you that the hurt you both feel if you end it after an honest evaluation will be much less than if it ends because your partner discovered you were cheating.


P.S. the same thing applies to the “girl on the side” or “matey” or “Jane Grind”

Why I said no to sex, the first night

I moved from Jamaica in early January to take up a job in Dominica.

No, it’s not the Dominican Republic, Haiti’s neighbour and home of Latina booties (beauties).

I came to the Eastern Caribbean nation of Dominca – the land of 365 rivers and gorgeous, lush vegetation. Whoever said Jamaica is the “land of wood and water” should have visited Dominica first.

Anyhow, those of you who have left your native land to reside elsewhere would be well aware of some of the challenges associated with dating in a new/different culture and environment.

Dominica has a population of around 70,000 which is pretty damn small. There are virtually no secrets here and people love each others business. The nightlife is not to be compared with Jamaica; it’s alot slower here. But I’ve found out that where money and rum exist, a great time can be had whenever one chooses.

So I met a lovely young lady who had me lusting from the minute I laid eyes on her. After a few drinks we apparently had enough courage to stop staring at each other from a distance and start flirting with each other in conversation.

Long story short we arranged to have dinner and a few drinks the next day, something I hear constitutes a date.

At dinner we had good conversation and the flirting continued. There was undeniable sexual tension (although that could have been the drinks after the meal). I thought of inviting her back to my place, but chose not to. Strange, I know; but I’m in a foreign land, I opted to tread cautiously.

Honestly my decision was more about me and less about her.

Ok, so not trying to get her undies off her may have made her think that I don’t see her as just a sweet piece of ass. Some women find that flattering I hear, oh well.

A female friend once told me that if we had sex on the 1st date it’s like starting the “getting to know you” process in reverse. That’s a joke, ’cause what if we start having sex on the second date? Doesn’t that still compromise the process?… Moving right along

I just figured that delaying the sex might just make it better than if we raced into it that night.

She knows I like her, so she’s confident. The ball is in her court, but there are 2 balls in my pants and I wanted her to chase ’em. Sure I was horny and I didn’t wanna risk having those balls go blue, but I wanted to avoid the typical “man is the hunter, woman is prey”.

Garth isn’t easy to get and that’s what I wanted her to think. I’m also a gentleman, which means getting her to bed is not a rush for me. It’s chivalrous gesture as well, some women are more turned on by these subtle acts of chivalry.

Another thing played on my mind, I’ve come across some real “psycho bitches” in my times.

In retrospect if I had done my “due diligence” before getting naked with some past lovers I would not have gone there with them.

Yeah the sex was great, mind-blowing in some case, but all the damn stress and drama that came after that was not worth it.

I need more time to evaluate her. Something I’ve come to realise is that not every “dime piece” is supposed to get the benefit/privilege of sex with me. Some of the finest looking women got real mental issues. Experience is the greatest teacher and I’ve been its most loyal student.

This girl appeared “normal” just like the psycho ones, you can never tell by looking. Since I’m not in my homeland, I just figured I’ll take a little more time and know her.

Psychos can’t hide it for too long; only the seriously troubled and professional ones can disguise their psycho behaviour until after that first orgasm.

So I did the unexpected and unthinkable and chose to wait a little. Good things come to those who wait, so I’m just crossing my fingers on this one.

footnotes:
I’m not gonna do a follow up about the sex when it happens.
I am not breaking any rules or hearts by having sex here, which is why I can post this blog for public consumption.

The Joy of the Barber Shop

So I recently posted “the curse of the hairdresser” and some friends challenged me to write about the barber shop.

Once up on a time I never had control over how my hair was groomed. This was the period between 1980 and 1994 when my grooming was fully financed by my mother with her iron fist. At 14 she ‘allowed’ me to instruct the barber on how to cut my hair. I recall the regret and embarrassment I felt on going home with a “fade” only having to return to the barber for him to adjust it based on my mom’s specifications 😦

The years passed and I moved out and weaned myself off mom’s coffers. The barber shop experience for me is alot different from childhood and teen years. I enjoy my barber shop experience because it’s almost like a bar. It’s a great place to relax, take a load off, make new acquaintances, have spirited intelligent discussions, conduct business, expand network and so much more. All of this in a relatively short time. For us, the barber shop represents a place where you can get away without having to drink, especially during the middle of the hectic work day.

Just like women, men are loyal to their barbers. I’ve had only 3 barbers in 30 years. 1 in Westmoreland and the other 2 were recommended by very close friends upon my migration to Kingston. Would I use any others while in Kingston? Only if my current barbers die *knocking on wood*. Men don’t have to worry about the barber spoiling their hair as there’s usually a constant review of the progress from start to finish. I can hardly recall hearing a man say “u know say do barber spoil mi head today”

Rarely does a man have to spend more than an hour in a barber shop – that includes wait time and the actual grooming. Men (clients) and barbers seem to have a great respect for time. If make an appointment with my barber and arrive punctually, he won’t have anyone in the chair – rare exceptions exist. If I call on short notice he’ll advise me about the best time to come based on who’s now in the chair, who’s waiting and who he’s expecting. I plan my business to factor in a trip to the barber knowing it won’t be to the detriment of any other activity scheduled after the grooming session.

Men know we can take the wife/girlfriend or child to the barber shop and not inconvenience them or worry about what will be said there. For fathers and sons, the barber shop can be a real bonding experience.

As for the conversations in the barber shop the topics don’t vary much; sports, sex, relationships, the economy, world affairs and politics. There’s some amount of gossip, but it’s usually gossip everyone sees in media; rarely is it the personal type of “he said she said” bullshit.

In closing though, the real joy of the barber shop comes in that feeling of restored confidence that a fresh grooming brings. Men walk out of a barber shop feeling like a million bucks even if a mirror would point out their ogreish appearance. In a man’s mind after leaving the barber is the feeling that “I got my swag back”. He now walks with his head high, shoulders square, back straight and a pep in his step.

ahhh, the joy of the barber shop.

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