Archive for July, 2013

What do women want?

Posted on July 3, 2013. Filed under: Uncategorized |


Let me start this off with a disclaimer that the views below are simply my opinion and it comes from years of hearing women lament about their intimate/committed relationships mainly with men. I find that my lesbian friends complain a lot less but for reasons that will be shared in a different blog.

I concede as well that not every woman will want the same thing(s) but I don’t think I’ll be too far off with the ideas below. Don’t sue me if you disagree, it’s just a blog, lol.

What women want in relationships is really quite simple… or is it?

Many a man since the beginning of time has questioned “what exactly do women want?” No doubt, they are complex creatures and they operate on a different wavelength than us men.

Women aren’t exactly the great mystery that we often make them to be.

I polled literally hundreds of women – friends, co-workers, family and even strangers. Interestingly, you won’t find diamond rings or other fancy things anywhere on this list. While many women really do want luxury goods from men, when you break it down they are just physical representations of some of the points on this list.

This list is in no particular order…

Among other things, women are vocal creatures. They know we love them, but this pollster found out they like to hear it too. Believe it or not women too can be insecure. Let them know when you think they’re hot. Compliment them, it helps them feel good.

Plus, when they feel sexy they’re more likely to act sexy. Words of appreciation go a far way with women. It doesn’t have to be over the top; just let them know that you see the effort they have put in, and that you’re grateful.

Women want us to show through our actions that we respect their opinions, careers, interests, friends, bodies and minds. Truth is that we don’t have to agree with all that they say or do, but try to honour their opinions as valuable contributions. Do onto others as you’d have them do onto you – treat women the way you as a man want to be treated. Be honest, fair, kind, and considerate.

Yes, women love sex. Apparently there are a number of bases to cover in the bedroom, not just one #NewsFlash. We ought to ‘touch’ each base instead of being so focused on the ‘meat of the matter’. Take my word, they’ll thank you for it! Likewise, remember small physical touches like massages. One can never, ever, give them too many shoulder rubs, foot rubs, scalp massages etc.

So what if you’re both staying in tonight rather than going out; that doesn’t mean it can’t be a romantic night. Light a few candles and see where the night leads. According to a married friend of mine, “treat us like your girlfriend, even after we become your wife. Date nights, making out in the car, kissing like when we first started dating—all of the things that made us fall in love with you don’t have to stop just because now there are bills to pay, a house to be cleaned, and kids to attend to.”

Women appreciate when you get them flowers for no reason or with no ulterior motive attached lol. The flowers don’t need to be expensive; it could be the result of you relieving someone’s garden of a couple blooms.

Rumour has it that women understand relationships can’t be all wine and roses. My interactions revealed that women appreciate when we simply make the time to be with them. Treating them like our top priority says “love” more than all the fancy gifts ever could. This includes helping around the house.

The realities of a 21st-century relationship are that both partners probably work. Another wife recommended, “if you happen to get home before we do, why not vacuum the living room or throw in a load of laundry?  If you take the garbage out without being asked, chances are you’ll be getting ‘something extra special’ later on despite how tired I am.”

Roll out that “kiss the cook” apron. My experience has taught me that women love when we cook for them, especially if it tastes great.  In addition to tasting great, if you can make a low-calorie meal you just may be elevated closer to god status.

As men, we ought to make an effort (outside of her birthday or any other ‘special day’) to learn how to make even the simplest dish in the kitchen. They also appreciate the effort. Never underestimate the value of that old phrase “it’s the thought that counts”.

This doesn’t mean being boring and predictable. It means that they want to know we will give them the love and support they need. “Knowing that my man is approaching the relationship with the same desires and energy as I am makes me feel secure. I want us to be on the same page, or at worst just a page apart in the same chapter,” my friend said as she laughed.

Mental engagement, not the nuptial type lol. According to most of these women, men don’t have to like everything they do. In fact, if her man likes EVERYTHING she does then that’s a cause for concern. Showing interest in their passions, be it career-related, a sport or a hobby, goes a long way. Listen when women talk to you.

Apparently they’re not speaking just so they can hear their own voices. They want to connect with us.. This also means paying attention to the little things. Whether it’s the name of her best friend’s husband or the fact that she hates Nicolas Cage movies, it’s the little things we remember about them that’s so endearing.

These two tend to go hand in hand. Not meaning that we gotta be their personal Ity and Fancy Cat or Eddie Murphy. A friend claims that if we’re just able to laugh at ourselves is enough. Men who take themselves too seriously bring everyone down.


Not the kind that makes a relationship constant work, but the good kind that surprises and motivates them to do, be or achieve what they desire. Studies show that partners who prod each other to meet goals—in other words, don’t support lazy or bad habits—are ultimately happier than those who don’t hold each other accountable.

Women demand and deserve honesty, but in all this a man should be tactful in expressing himself. They actually want us to ‘keep it real’. My advice is to avoid doing things you have to lie about. Go ahead and express yourself, let them know who you are but don’t be a beast in that expression.

“I want him to tell me everything. Tell me why you find that girl attractive; tell me why you find me attractive. If you think I look fat then say so, but commit to help me getting toned or slimmer. While you’re at it, let us work together on getting in good shape and keeping fit,” said my friend who works out with her husband and personal trainer twice a week.

Masculinity and Chivalry
Be a man dammit, don’t be a woman except with a pair of balls and a cock. Chase insects and other creepy crawlies, learn to fix things. Be knowledgeable and aware. Dress like a man, so that skinny jeans shit and the tight body blouse crap has to go. With that said though, women like when we keep our bodies clean and good looking. Get a little “man-scaping” done. If they don’t have to navigate through a jungle just to give the ‘jewels’ a special ‘treatment’ then they’d be most appreciative.

Chivalry speaks for itself, show you care by opening her doors, pulling her chairs, sharing your jacket when she’s cold you know, all that sweet stuff. They love that.

My list might be incomplete. Ladies, if I have missed out on anything please feel free to share those things in a comment.

I wonder how close I’ve come to outlining what women want in a relationship


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Secrets: to keep or not to keep

Posted on July 2, 2013. Filed under: Uncategorized |

It is a widely-held belief/assumption that happiness in a marriage/relationship depends a lot on being completely open to one’s spouse through full disclosure.

We are taught that clear communication is the best policy. Books like Fifty Shades of Grey strongly suggest that sharing our deepest sexual fantasies will improve intimacy. Others say secrets will ultimately destroy your marriage/relationship.

In truth, most successful long-term relationships are based on strong emotional and physical connections. But intimacy isn’t necessarily equated with complete honesty. There are many couples that don’t “tell all,” yet maintain a trusting, fulfilling relationship.

Likewise, there are some couples that suffer a great deal when well-kept secrets (or ultimately revealed ones) lead to mistrust and hurt.

Here are some types of secrets and my recommendation on whether to tell your partner/spouse.

The Affair
Confessing to an on-going affair or sharing one from your past has wreaked havoc in many marriages and long-term relationships. Experts are beginning to understand that not all affairs are a direct path to separation or divorce. Some serve to highlight already existing relationship problems and can actually promote working on them.

While a double life will certainly put distance between you and your partner, it may be more important to discuss why the desire for a lover began in the first place, rather than focus on the affair itself.

For most couples, affairs suggest disconnection, not just sexually but emotionally as well. If you decide to talk to your partner — whether about an actual affair, a fantasy about one or one you had years ago — think about how to use the discussion to heal your current situation or how it can serve to push you toward an inevitable separation.

Neither option is simple, but the most important thing is to be aware of the impact either choice may have on your relationship.

Your Debt
Keeping a partner in the dark about debt is never a good thing. Many couples today enter long-term relationships burdened with student loans, credit card debt or little money in the bank. Learning about these money matters later almost always leads to feelings of betrayal and mistrust.

Being upfront and clear about what you have, what you owe and your plan for how to deal with it will gain you much more respect and trust than learning about it later.

Lack of Libido and Impotence
Sad truth is this, many women keep their disinterest in sex a secret and some even fake their orgasms. Many men keep their Viagra/Cialis etc. in a super-secret hiding place. While these particular issues tend to appear round about “mid-life” when hormonal activity may impact sexual performance/desire, research has shown that younger couples tend to avoid intimacy altogether rather than reveal their lack of interest.

We live in a time when matters dealing with about eroticism are less taboo and pornography is increasingly popular. In today’s culture, sexual secrets are often kept between partners. Some view a lack of arousal as an inadequacy, a lack of femininity or masculinity. Yet partners can misinterpret physical disinterest as lack of emotional interest.

I encourage both men and women who feel low — or loss of — libido to talk to their health care providers first. Most often, discussing the issue with a professional paves the way to a more productive discussion with a partner.

Note carefully that not talking about sexual intimacy doesn’t make the issue disappear. Ultimately, it will impact the relationship. It’s more about how you tell your partner than whether or not you tell them. One way or another, your partner will know. And once the elephant in the room is talked about, connection most often improves.

Past ‘Bad’ Behaviour
I could write a book on this, in fact, I probably should. Anyway, the decision to share past illegal or immoral activities is complicated. Some are no-brainers — crimes and jail time are best revealed and explained, as they are available on public record. Keeping them hidden can create tremendous guilt, and if exposed, can cause a deep fear in your partner that the behaviour could be repeated.

Here’s where it gets a little unclear because many of us have had wild experiences during adolescence and young adulthood that led to trouble with the law — speeding, rampant promiscuity, cheating, fist fights, drug use, shop-lifting — activities we know will never recur and are best forgotten.

We all want our partners to think the best of us and these ‘childish’ activities were often not the best of times. I’m sure most of us have a list of actions we are not proud of, but hopefully we have learned from them.

Past ‘bad’ behaviours that are clearly no longer part of our present are secrets that exist even among couples that are intimate about most everything else in their lives. They can lie dormant, safely kept between you and you. This leads me to my next point…

Health disorders/Diseases/Sexually Transmitted Infections
If you’re in a long-term relationship, especially if you’re heading towards marriage there should be no health secrets (for the most part). Your partner deserves to know about your health, after all, their role may just become that of primary caregiver if/when things go wrong.

If making a family is on the cards, discussions about health must be thorough.
On the matter of sexually transmitted infections honesty is the best policy especially if you’re carrying something incurable such as HIV or Herpes. There is a school of thought which strongly recommends remaining tight-lipped about sexually transmitted infections which you contracted and subsequently had treated prior to meeting your current partner.

I say, you should know your partner well enough to determine their likely reaction to such a confession and whether you can handle such a reaction.

Eating Disorders, Alcohol or Drug Use
Quite often these disorders remain hidden from even best friends, husbands and wives. Many couples fear that their addiction — past or present — will cause a loss of respect, while often it’s the secrecy which causes the loss of respect.

On-going substance abuse will almost always interfere with a couple’s intimacy, as the object of desire is something other than your partner. Unless addressed, addiction will ultimately destroy most relationships

Closing note
Intimacy and complete openness are not one and the same. A successful long-term relationship means being willing to share your vulnerabilities and strengths, but requires sensitivity to the consequences that sharing brings.

Sometimes you have to keep calm and keep(or share) a secret 🙂

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