Archive for December 19th, 2010

That poor cheatin’ bastard

Posted on December 19, 2010. Filed under: Gender Relations |

It’s a rare occurrence when a Jamaican man will cheat and admit to his friends that he  feels guilty. Recently, a good friend of mine was anxious to go have a drink with us boys. He volunteered to pick us all up or pay taxi fare and the drinks would have been his treat.

We all knew something was not right and soon it became apparent for as soon as we arrived at our little watering hole he immediately blurted out, and i quote, “mi cheat pon mi girl. mi luv har still, mi all want fi married to har, mi never mean fi do it. jeezas, she ago lef mi if mi tell her, but mi need fi tell har. unnu advise mi nuh”.

He was nervous, embarrassed, frustrated and cursing himself. He was next to tears. His face was like the face of guilt. I told him that there was nothing wrong with what he did and that many men have done the same thing. It’s what usually happens when a man dissatisfied with the relationship or an element of the relationship. It also happens when your will to to be failthful is trumped by your lust for other women & libido. Maybe cheating on his girlfriend would help him realize that they weren’t meant to be together. Don’t crucify me, I’ve got the purest intentions when I say this.

Based on other things he said, it was obvious he loved her and he genuinely thought it was a mistake. None of us tried to convince him otherwise. We were all supportive of him and we were glad he felt the way he did. Well, we remained supportive until he made the suicidal comment “mi haffi tell har, an beg forgiveness”.

Now, I don’t know how many women honestly want to hear their boyfriend/man/husband voluntarily confess to cheating. Well, I suppose they want to know for health reasons. For  some women too, I guess they want to  know where their man’s head is at (no pun intended). They wanna know why the man cheated so they can protect against  a repeat, whether in the same relationship or in their next relationship.

Anyhow, we now had to intervene and convince him otherwise. After-all, with this approach he was likely to lose his girlfriend. We could either let him make a foolish mistake and lose his girlfriend  or  help him make the rational decision — deny/lie.
We are of the opinion  that if he wanted to tell her the truth, he might as well break up instead.  Forgiveness was unlikely and proceeding smoothly was an absolute impossibility. If he was really an honest  man, why would he cheat in the first place? The best thing would be for him to keep his mouth shut and pretend nothing ever happened.

We tried to justify why he shouldn’t confess to having an affair.

It’s likely she’ll dump you. Trust is like an egg, once you break it, it will never be the same. It’s gonna take an extraordinary bit of work to fix it and even after fixing it will never been the same. Who wants a broken egg anyway?

She’s going to be paranoid. The degree of paranoia varies among women, but best believe she’s going to second guess your every move. In the extreme case she may want you to limit the “unsupervised” trips you make. Yes, she’ll whip out ‘ye old leash’.

She’ll forgive but won’t forget. Until she forgets, it’s likely that she’ll think you’re going to cheat if you are tempted again.It’s likely to come up in quarrels or just regular conversation. The reminder will be constant and you can’t afford it;  I’m sure even now Kobe Bryant’s wife still yanks his chain about their episode.

Don’t ask, don’t tell.  This works in 2 ways: she knew of it and decided not to act on it, or she genuinely has no clue it happened. Either way shut the hell up, pretend nothing happened and never let it happen again.

So what happened to our friend? That poor cheatin’ bastard followed his instincts and told her the truth. Well, he misses her alot and now lives on his own in a new apartment.

General Advice

My advice to unfaithful men is to get out of their relationships. If you cheated, it’s not simply because you are a jerk. It is likely that you’re not happy with your girlfriend to begin with.

If you can’t man up and commit to your girl completely, then there is no point in wasting time on a hopeless relationship. Save yourself and her the trouble and get out.

When you leave her, don’t tell her you cheated, though. Remember, she has friends. You  don’t want any “negative publicity”; the world is small and it may limit your chances of getting with women she may know.

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