Breaking up with someone and staying civil is hard enough when it’s just between the two of you, but when a child is involved, it can be a bit dicey. It can be a real challenge working with an ex to raise a child, especially when the ex has started another relationship.
Many people become bitter when a relationship does not turn out the way he or she wanted. There is a great deal of anger, animosity, and resentment from a broken relationship, which affects the future of the relationship when a child is involved. Both parents or even one of the parents may have difficulty moving on. There’s usually unresolved emotions and feelings. Adults have to be adults when a child or children are in the middle of a quarrel.
Baby mama and baby daddy, 2 terms that I dislike. I understand that it’s a tidy way to refer to the other parent, but the terms just conjure up the wrong image in one’s mind. Get rid of that label. We all should stop referring to your child’s parent as your “baby mama” or “baby daddy”. View them as the other party involved in the creation of your little one. If the child is over the age of two, that term is definitely inappropriate.
Communicate directly with your ex. Do not use your child as a walkie-talkie. Using your child as a go between can lead to disaster. Children often play sides when it comes to wanting things from their parents. Miscommunication can develop if a message is misconstrued whether intentionally or unintentionally. It’s best if you two do the talking directly. Children aren’t pawns, they are children.
Keep it simple and straight forward. Share what your needs or concerns for your child are while being specific and concise. Dont over do the talking. Get right to the point. Once the point has been communicated then move right along to the next point. This way you will avoid quarrels and disagreements. These are not beneficial to the child and hamper the possibility of an amicable relationship with your ex.
Don’t lead your ex on.
Speak only of the child. If your own personal matters must be discussed, it should be only tie directly to concerns related to the child. Your personal life is your own and your ex should no longer be a part of it. That is why he or she is called your ex
Don’t be obnoxious.
Do not bash the other parent in the presence of your child. You don’t have to be the best of buds, but you should at least be civil. A child can pick up on any animosity you hold for their mommy or daddy and will likely resent you for being the meanie.
Make it work for both parents. Establish a schedule for visitations, attending sporting events, other extra curricular activities, doctor and dental visits. Whether it is a court ruling or set by both parents, it should be made flexible to suit all involved.
Tread cautiously with the new partner
Keep them out of it. Avoid getting your new partner involved in matters between you and your ex. If you are strictly about business with your ex, your new mate should feel no insecurity and not interfere with the parental system you’ve set up with your ex. your ex has to be respectful and do the same with their new partner.
Everyone has their place. If you are taking the next step in the relationship with your new partner, assure your ex that no one will be taking their place. Make it certain that you have chosen someone who understands the importance of your child’s relationship with the other parent, and make it known you’re not looking for a replacement. If this seems tough, just remember that you wouldn’t want to be replaced by a new mommy or daddy yourself
Where’s the drama really coming from?
I think most “drama” comes in where parents break up on very bad terms. If 1 party is jealous, possessive, obsessive and vindictive then moving on after a child or children can become hell. Drama becomes amplified where 1 of the parents is dishonest in their dealings with a new partner.
Some individuals subscribe to a sentiment that “if i can’t have the ‘other parent’ no one else can have them”
Often times it’s the man who’s the guilty party when dishonesty is at play. If a man is still sleeping with the mother of his child but he wants to move on, HE MUST BE HONEST WITH THE MOTHER AND THE POTENTIAL NEW GIRLFRIEND. If he’s dishonest then that’s when things can become ugly. Can’t always have a cake and eat it too.
Mothers face a real challenge in letting go of the man. Aterall, everytime she sees the child or children she must think of him. While they were making the child/children she never necessarily saw a future raising the family without his daily direct input. Men have challenge too, but we seem to handle the situation differently.
Men often think that they’re supposed to have exclusive access to the mother(s) of their children. They rarely ever want to deal with the reality of another man being with the mother of their children. Some mothers are also of the same view.
It’s not always the parents who make the situation ‘dramatic’, there are times when the new partner is the one who comes with the wrong attitude/approach and just makes a bad situation worse. It’s therefore the ‘parent’ who’s responsible to “reign in” the new partner. It’s important to tread cautiously, monitor carefully and do all possible for things to work out amicably.
This is best facilitated in an environment of honesty.
Other things to remember.
– Stick to your guns, being too lax can lead to your ex taking advantage of you.
– Don’t be bullied, you’re an adult, you’re a parent and what you say matters.
– Be cool, people are unpredictable especially after a break up. They might not want to be reasonable; they might not have a desire to get along. Just keep your composure and retrace your steps because in the end its really the child/children which matter.