Archive for October 5th, 2010

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Posted on October 5, 2010. Filed under: Gender Relations |

This is a Facebook note by Garth Williams on Sunday, 10 August 2008…

The following is merely advice I’m sharing in response to a question a friend asked me. Warning, it’s a bit long, so make sure u have the 7 minutes it will take you to read thru it

So what exactly is a “friend with benefits?” A friend with benefits is someone you get to have sex with, no strings attached. There’s no expensive dinners, no roses and no being home on time required. It is a mutually beneficial relationship with a friend or acquaintance where you don’t get to take them out on a date, but you get to call them at 1 a.m. when the police “lock off di dance” to see if they want to hook up.

Unfortunately, old sexual standards ensure that the friends-with-benefits choice isn’t really yours at the end of the day. The woman, as usual, gets to call the shots. All a man can do is make sure she knows that you’re willing, ready and able. Please make sure that you’re straightforward about your desire to be friends with benefits.

The rules of being friends with benefits must be agreed on by both of you, because if one of you isn’t getting what you want, it’s worthless. If one of you starts to have feelings for the other — well you can deal with that when and if the time comes, but remember there are many things to consider when approaching a potential friend for benefits.

How to get a friend with benefits?

Friends with benefits are sometimes very hard to find. This is because it takes an open and sexual person who is in a particular stage of their life to be up for it. You get to have a friend with benefits by asking for it indirectly – subtlety is the key.

When you think that you have met a suitable ”friend,” find out where she is in her life. Lack of appropriate relationship material or a recent break up, a career, or simply enjoying her freedom are all reasons why she may want to become friends with benefits and avoid the ”I love you” disclaimer/fine print.

The conversations that you have with her should be about being single and how you both find it as well as her positions on sex, relationships (and the typical drama that comes with them). It should be fairly easy to tell if she is open about sex, if she misses gettin laid and if she is up for some company.

Tell her about yourself, in charming, but not uncertain terms. Ensure that she knows you are definitely not looking for a girlfriend. So, now that you know where you each stand, and if she finds you attractive, you should “get some”soon. Don’t forget to compliment her. Basically, you want to take her home and show her what she would be missing out on if she didn’t see you again.

You can’t force this relationship; it will either happen on its own or it won’t. It isn’t something you can trick her into. It’s a mutual decision that’s made over the course of weeks or months. When you do start sleeping together, you’ll both know that it is what it is and it will simply continue. The difference between a friend with benefits and a one-night stand are those magic words “I don’t want a girlfriend/boyfriend,”. As long as that is crystal clear, nothing much can go wrong.

Do’s and Dont’s

– Don’t come across like a desperate horny male, there are enough of us in the world, lol.
– She wants someone who knows what he wants, is sure of himself and knows his way around the female body.
– Having a nice personality is very important too, especially if you are going to occasionally wake up next to each other
– Don’t kick her out before breakfast. Exercise good sexual and social etiquette.
– Treat her like an equal, not like a piece of meat. She still deserves your respect
– Impress her just like you would any other woman, but impress her in different ways.
– Don’t complain about how horny you are, it comes across as crass. Crass men are renowned as being the ones who aren’t that good in bed, and don’t know how to treat a woman.
– Don’t treat a friend-with-benefits relationship as a cheap commodity, but enjoy and cherish it for what it is.
– Don’t sleep with who has told you that they are looking for Mr Right. You are not him, so don’t use her.

The Downside

There are some obvious potential complications to having a friend with benefits. The first is that one of you will start having a crush and the other won’t. The inclusion of serious romantic feelings beyond the general affection and attraction you will both feel for each other is a problematic. And it isn’t always the ladies who fall head over heels either, lol. It can get complicated quickly.

The other major problem is the crossing of boundaries. You don’t want her calling you at lunchtime. You don’t want an invite to her mother’s birthday bash. You don’t want to go to the new restaurant downtown or the new hotel on the north coast (unless it’s Hedonism 4, lol).

You do, however, want to call her at 1 a.m. if you are in the neighborhood and you want her to do the same. You do want her to spend a Friday night in bed with you, if she hasn’t received a better offer. It takes a decent pair of people to make this work.

Consider the following…

Is there anyone who will have a problem with it? it’s good to be thoughtful of the people around you and how your behavior affects them.

Since you are both free to sleep with whomever you choose, it is important to protect yourselves. Do you want the mother of your firstborn to be with your friend with benefits? STD’s aren’t pleasant either, so keep them to yourself please.

It would also be helpful not to sleep with anyone she knows you still need to have some standards of human decency. Even if she presumes you are sleeping with other women, she doesn’t want to hear about it.

You can have a tremendously satisfying sexual relationship and friendship, with lots of affection, good sex and a laugh. It doesn’t have to be with an ”easy” woman, and you don’t have to act like gods gift or a ”player” — just act like a person.

Be yourself and enjoy not having to act like an idiot to try to score a girlfriend.

Fortunately, she doesn’t have to worry if you would make a good father or if you do housework. The friend-with-benefits relationship relieves you both of the burden of finding the right partner and you can just enjoy each other as is.

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NOTICING WOMEN

Posted on October 5, 2010. Filed under: Gender Relations |

Intro aka sad truth

Men can get away with rolling out of bed, throwing on some semi-clean clothes and doing a bit of minor grooming. Women spend a ton of time and money on their appearance. They dress and groom to feel good about themselves, but the idea of being attractive to men is never far from their minds either.

Unfortunately, a lady’s efforts are often overlooked. We appreciate the look as a whole, but don’t notice the little things that go into it.

Her shoes

A woman’s posture changes when she is wearing high heels. They make her legs look longer, highlight her behind and re-angle her torso. It also helps everybody seems to have  a shoe fetish, because  men and women to view the high heel as sexy and alluring. Wearing high heels is one thing women definitely do for the benefit of men, since they’re usually not the most comfortable choice in footwear. A woman’s feet and purse suffer for the cause of great shoes.

Her sense of humour

Most people put “a good sense of humor” pretty high on the list of qualities they would like in a significant other. So, when she tells a particularly amusing joke or keeps your friends laughing, make sure you acknowledge it. This could be as easy as saying, “My friends thought you were a lot of fun,” or just laughing genuinely when she shows off her comedic timing.

That she smells different

The next thing she wants you to notice is her scent. Scent is a very important aspect of attraction and there’s a good chance that the way she smells was part of what drew you to her in the first place. Women usually pay close attention to the way they smell(and the way you smell too). Finding the right balance of perfume, lotion and other scented products is an art women have virtually mastered. When she changes her signature scent in a significant way, she wants you to notice. Close your eyes, lean in and say, “You smell great. Are you wearing something different?”

That she cleaned up the place

This is one of those cases where a direct, enthusiastic comment is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. it’s something she wants you to notice. If she has worked all day straightening up the living space (YOUR, HERS OR SHARED). Make a point of saying, “Wow, it’s spotless in here!” If it is your own apartment that she has cleaned, offering a foot rub would be extremely appropriate.

That she’s been working out

Whether her goal is to lose weight, get toned, build muscle, or just to look and feel healthier, you should support her commitment to working out and going to the gym. When you start seeing the results you should definitely compliment her on it. Telling her that her body looks great could be an excellent aphrodisiac for her, which is a bonus for you.

That she got waxed/shaved

Waxing hurts and shaving can be somewhat inconvenient. No matter how cool she tries to be about it, it is a tremendously unpleasant experience from beginning to end, waxing that is. A woman wouldn’t go through the trouble and pain of getting her body hair waxed for herself. It is, in fact, an act women only do to please men. Reward her by touching her smooth, soft skin often and providing plenty of oral sex (if thats your thing).

That she has a new hairstyle

Women do a remarkable number of things to perfect and maintain their hair — cutting, styling, dyeing, curling, straightening, teasing, back-combing, relaxing, etc. — and they do a lot of it in order to appear attractive to men. Noticing any major change in her hair, whether it’s the style, cut or color, is essential to remaining in her good books. A simple, “Your hair looks great!” is good enough.

Her new lingerie

Telling men to notice a woman’s lingerie may seem like a no-brainer, but there is a difference between vaguely registering that she is wearing lingerie before swiftly removing it and taking some time to appreciate the look and feel of the skimpy number she has donned just for you.

In closing…

If you want to really impress her, check her out and pay attention to her appearance, behavior and efforts. Not all of them require a direct comment, but some kind of reaction is warranted to let her know you appreciate all the elements that make her a fabulous wife/fiancée/matey/girlfriend/lover.

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